Friday, October 8, 2010

What the heck?

I was up during the night and I was so hypomanic. I was higher than a kite. I only wrote emails and comments on blogs, but I wonder if I was obnoxious? I took my medicines at 5 am and went to bed a 7 am and slept until 10 o'clock when I had to get up for my personal helper. I was not in a very good mood and it worsened with time until I was deeply depressed when I got out of the shower. I was a mess and wanted there to be a way to end my life. I sat in my armchair and cried. 

The personal helper did the dishes and walked the dog. She talked to me and tried to make me feel better. I was inconsolable and took my next batch of medicines. They started to work after a while and I calmed down some, but I couldn't get rid of the feelings of dread. 

The domestic help arrived and the personal helper explained the situation to her. The domestic help did her work quickly and quietly while I sat in my armchair. My psychiatrist and my SPN were both absent for the day and I tried to reach someone else to talk to. After the domestic help left I went to bed and pulled the covers over my head and tried to sleep. 

Someone else called me and tried to make me feel better. It didn't help much, except that I got to tell my story. I went back to sleep. Some time later my personal helper called to see how I was. I said that I was trying to take care of myself. I slept until 5 o'clock and when I woke up I felt better, though I was distinctly lacking in enthusiasm. I had something to eat and took my next batch of medicines and sat in my armchair. I was supposed to walk the dog, but had to wait for the delivery boy from the pharmacy. 

I watched TV without the least bit of interest until the delivery boy showed up. Then I walked Tyke in the very cool evening air. That got some life back into me and when I got home, I turned on the computer, not really knowing what to do once I had it on. I was undecided about writing a post. I'm going to shut the computer off now that I've written it. 

I have to sleep well tonight and not get up. I don't know yet how I am going to manage this. I feel like I'm playing with fire. I'm very discouraged, but I have to try my best. 



Twain12 said...

i'm so sorry you are going through this rough time. I'm glad that your helper looked in on you though. I truly hope you feel a little better tomorrow. Sending you love Nora !!

Wisewebwoman said...

Oh I do hope your sleep patterns normalize as this seems to be a series of triggers for you, is there any way you can get some medical attention in the meantimes.
You're in my thoughts my friend. I've been in places like that.

Gail said...

Sweet dreams...tomorrow will be better.