Sunday, October 17, 2010


 I found it impossible to write a cheerful post here yesterday. I tried it a few times but it was to no avail. Each time I got maybe one paragraph done and that was it. Then I sat and pondered the screen for a while until my screen saver came on and I knew nothing would come of the post I had planned to write. I was just not cheerful enough. I was mostly sleepy and took naps on the sofa and in bed. Actually, taking naps is a good thing when your mood is not co-operating. It is the best way to see you through it.

It was cold out and I couldn't get warm enough inside either, although the thermometer said it was 20C degrees. At one point, I wore my bathrobe over my clothes to get warm. I think I can't quite trust my thermometer. I have all the windows closed now and sometimes turn on the heater, though I try to be frugal with it and only turn it on if it's absolutely necessary. I doesn't help to sit here and have cold drinks. They cool off your whole body. I must remember to buy stuff to make hot chocolate with. That would be wonderful. I think I've already promised myself that before and forgot about it. I must put it on the shopping list.

Today is Sunday and a wonderful day to contemplate my navel and to sit and do nothing special at all, although I do have to get dressed to walk Tyke. I slept for 7 hours this morning, after I had gotten up in the middle of the night, and I feel very refreshed. I must try to go to bed quicker and get more sleep in. I don't always have the luxury of staying in bed so late, people do come and go during the week. I will make it a point to only stay up for a little while during the night and go back to bed sooner.

I have so many good intentions and then a lot of them fall by the wayside or only get halfway accomplished. I make them work to some point, at any rate to a point that I can live with them and be somewhat comfortable, but never to the point that they are perfectly worked out. There are always loose ends and unattained goals. I suppose that's my modus operandus. I live with them until I reach the point where I can't and I should have had a better system in place that would have supported me better.

I just got dressed and took Tyke out. It is cold outside and you really need gloves. It's 6C degrees and overcast. Still, there are people out for a Sunday stroll with their kids. You do have to get some fresh air on a Sunday. That's what the day is for. I remember that clearly from when I was a kid. We always went out for an afternoon stroll on Sundays. Sometimes we had a goal and sometimes we didn't. Usually it was some café to get a drink at. Tea or hot chocolate when it was cold. A cold soda when it was warm. And a beer for my father. Always a beer. He was a repressed alcoholic. In the closet, where my mother kept him by sheer willpower.

I remember my mother hitting my head once when we came home from one of these walks. I was standing on the door mat and she hit my head for not wiping my feet. My head hit the head of my cousin who stood next to me very hard. It was so demeaning. My mother didn't like me very much. I'll never forget that incident. It was a perfect example of her taking out her frustrations on me, the black sheep.

I mustn't get too bogged down in those memories. They are interesting to hold to the light, but I mustn't get lost in them. There is the here and now, today.

It's time for me to get something to eat. I'm starting to yawn from hunger and I'm getting cold too. I do think I should turn up the heater a bit now. I think I'll have a glass of warm milk to heat my old bones and raid the refrigerator for some protein.

Have a good evening!



Wisewebwoman said...

Yes, those old memories we can glance at in the rearview mirror but we mustn't stare or we will lose our forward motion.
Have a good Sunday my dear, take it easy and read or watch a movie.

Frances said...

Enjoy the rest of your day. Listen to some music? or read something cheerful?

I agree with Wisewebwoman, don't look too long in the rearview mirror - well put and a good thought for me to hold as well.


Connie Rose said...

I was the black sheep in the family, as well. More like the scapegoat. My mother took out her lifelong frustration and anger, at me. I was the target for all her rage. I don't think about it much at all anymore, but I know it scarred me in so many ways. So this lifetime for me has really been about learning to love and accept myself. And I keep learning more, in new ways.

Twain12 said...

hope you have a good Sunday , really fally here, cool and wet .
I try not to look back to much either.

Maggie May said...

I know what you mean about good intentions...... I have them all the time but don't often put them into practice.

Those memories are best shelved. I have some like that too.Occasionally they come to mind.
I was the scapegoat in our family.

Have a good night.
Luv Maggie X

Nuts in May

Jocelyn said...

What a gorgeous set of musings; the way you bring in the family issues in such a controlled fashion makes them all the more effective. But the cold and your sleepiness coupled with a mother who didn't like you much makes for powerful stuff.

Gail said...

I have read, forgiving is freedom.

Hope your day was fantastic.

Bernie said...

Everyone has a story Nora, and I am sorry for yours but everyone is right to advise you not to look in the rear view mirror.....too much sadness or sorrow prevents you from moving forward and living for today. Learn to love yourself sweetie as you so deserved to be loved.........:-) Hugs