Not doing that today...

I'm sitting here waiting for my tranquilizers to start working. I decided not to take them this morning when I got up first thing, because I wanted to see how I would do without them. Well, I did not do so very good. I've been pretty miserable and I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Things certainly looked very dire to me and I had no idea how I was going to make it through the day. I was walking Tyke and thought that I would cancel the whole day and not participate in it at all. I wanted to withdraw from all activity and hide from the world. I was just plain scared. 

I'm familiar with these feelings and have had them many times before. They belong to the bad periods in my life when I am easily downcast and insecure and when my nerves are always on edge. I have bad days and don't seem to do well until it is nighttime when I finally reach a place of quiet and serenity. 

I called the Exfactor and he will be here in an hour. I want him to be here for a bit of company and while I do some chores that I've neglected to do. I think I will be better motivated if there is someone else present. I'm not performing well on my own. I feel too insecure to do well. I think it's a miracle that I even walked Tyke. The poor dog did badly have to go. 

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The Exfactor has been here and I feel a bit better now. We did the chores together and he did the groceries and walked Tyke, because it was time again. We drank coffee and talked and I took my medicines again. It was a relaxing time spent together and he really helped me out a lot. He is going to come back on Thursday to check on me and to see if I need anything. He's very good for practical problem solving. I just need to make clear to him what needs to be done and what I'm having a hard time with and he jumps right in and helps. 

I haven't gone to creative class today and I think I will never go on Mondays again. It has created such a mess with getting a good domestic help on Tuesdays, that I've called and am trying to get my domestic help for Mondays back. 

I'm not very thrilled about going to creative class and think going once a week on Wednesdays will be more than enough. That's about all the stress I can handle. I'm going to inquire after the music therapy class and see if I can get into that. I don't want to expose myself to the unwelcoming atmosphere that is in the creative class twice a week and it was really becoming a problem. It was weighing heavy on my mind. I don't want it to be that important. And I want my old domestic help back. 

I also want to change my personal helper. The one who comes instead of my regular personal helper is much better for me. I get along with her very well and can talk with her much easier. It is a much better meeting of minds. I would like for her to come twice a week, something to which I am entitled to and which I've already gotten approval for. It's just a delicate question of changing the one person for the other without hurting anyone's feelings. 

The household manager of the Green Cross just called me and said that I could have my old domestic help back on Mondays. So, that's great. Now I don't have to worry about all those strange temporary people they send me on Tuesdays. 

I've had the beginnings of a headache for a couple of days and today it decided to be a real one, so I took some paracetamol with codeine for it and it has helped me a bit. I normally don't get headaches anymore and I can only assume that this is a stress headache and not a migraine like I used to get, though it is on one side of my head. I used to get debilitating migraines, but I haven't had one in a long time. I had them as a child too and spent much time in dark bedrooms, lying very still with my eyes closed. 

I actually feel better now and more in control of my situation. I just need to set a few things straight. I feel calmer, no doubt thanks to the tranquilizers, and I'm not so scared and insecure anymore. I think I was moving in chaos before and couldn't see the forest for the trees. My life was not my own. I don't like too many outside influences that I don't have control over. I like things to be the same and predictable. I don't like a lot of changes and I don't like negative experiences.Tomorrow the last of the temporary domestic helps is coming and after that this situation will be back to normal. It bothered me a lot. 

It's an overcast and muggy day. Inside it is cool and I almost need a cardigan. There's not much sunshine, even though it was predicted. I'm wearing a dress and leggings and sandals, but I feel like I could wear something warmer. People are out wearing various clothes. Nobody can make up their mind what to wear. 

I think I will read blogs now and get caught up on them. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora