Wednesday, October 13, 2010

So what else is up?

I changed my profile picture because after I cut my my hair, it looks more like that now than it looked like the former. I also think I look younger in it, so my deed was not without second intentions. If I find any pictures in which I look younger still, I'll probably post one of them. I'll have you believe I'm a young middle aged woman yet instead of this aged one. I'll slowly creep back in time and undergo a metamorphosis.

I have hurricane proof hair and it's so hard and spiky that I can poke your eye out. That's just a temporary condition to get it to sit in place this morning. I used hairspray on it when it was still wet and now it's like it's cemented. I have to brush it to get the dangerous elements out and soften it up again. It will definitely stay in place now, there's no danger of even one hair going in the wrong direction or lying down too flat.

I was awakened to the irritating sound of the alarm clock at 8:30. That meant it had been going off for some time, because I had set it for 8 o'clock. I only had slept for two and a half hours, because I had been up the whole night. Somehow I managed to get out of bed and make myself some coffee and drink it quickly so I would come to my senses in the shortest amount of time. I had another cup as fast as I could and I recovered from my stupor in a hurry while I also smoked some cigarettes. All I had to do was get dressed and hop on my bike to go to the clinic to see my psychiatrist. I had one hour and ten minutes to pull myself together before I had to leave. That was enough time to ponder all the bigger questions in life and get dressed.

I had developed a theory about my not being able to sleep during the night and it had to do with a subject that I don't like to think about, let alone discuss on this blog. I always thought that I woke up around 2 am because my sleeping pill was done working and that I wanted to be up because it was the most peaceful time for me to be awake. The fact that I went to bed at 6 am and slept well for a couple of hours, I blamed on the fact that I was trying to postpone the day and all the pressures of it. Until I really tried to sleep through the night and found that such an awful experience and had those awful nightmares.

The theory has to do with the murder of my mother, which to this day is the most shocking and traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. My whole life long I had a fear that one day my father would kill my mother. I had this fear since I was a small child and thought I could prevent it from happening. I thought I had the necessary psychological skills and bravery to prevent it. This fear never left me and just before my father actually killed my mother, I felt the fear very strongly.

My father prowled around the house at night very quietly. Some people had said to my mother that she should put a lock on her bedroom door, but for some reason she never did this. I don't know why not. I don't know why she thought she was safe in her sleep when she was in fact at her most vulnerable. My father killed her in the early morning hours, very brutally, with a hammer and a knife. He then smoked a cigarette in the bathroom and after that very calmly called the police and told them what he had done.

I discussed this theory about why I'm not able to sleep during the night with my psychiatrist and he thinks it is very likely that this is the cause of my sleepless nights and that it is something that needs to be worked on very seriously, especially since my dreams take on such gruesome forms.Which goes to show you that some things get easier with time and some things get worse. It all depends on how you've dealt with them.

I made a new appointment and my psychiatrist said that he would inform my SPN whom I have an appointment with on Tuesday. He said that considering the circumstances and the fact that I had been rapid cycling, which was his diagnosis, he would not change anything in my medication, as that might bring about the onset of another bout of it.

Writing about this subject makes me very uncomfortable and I feel that I need to move on to something else as quickly as possible. It's like dragging old skeletons out of the closet without getting anyone's permission, but I'm afraid that it's stuck in my head now and I don't know what else to write about. It makes me infinitely sad and I can push that away as I usually do, but it will just put me back into the same position. I am planning on going to sleep at a normal time tonight and I will see what happens. Maybe a little bit of knowledge goes a long way.

I am tired in a really good exhausted way. I feel like I've done a lot of work and am at the end of it, while I'm really only at the beginning.

Have a good night, everyone. 



Twain12 said...

well that sure could explain it, you just don't feel save. Maybe exploring this more with your psychiatrist is a good thing. I hope you get some rest ♥

Maggie May said...

I think it is good that you are exploring this theory which seems very likely. Maybe you could put the ghost to rest one day with the right councelling.
Maybe if you knew why your father did it....... that too would help. Not that it could ever be justified.
I hope writing about it does in the end, prove useful (even if it is upsetting & difficult). It would be for anyone, Nora,
I hope you sleep peacefully, my friend.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Wisewebwoman said...

Sleep well dear friend and may the force of all good be with you.

Connie Rose said...

Sorry to hear about that trauma you suffered. I guess it could explain a lot of things. How horrible to have to go through that, the lifelong scars I'm sure it left. You're very brave for looking at it, facing it. XOX

Frances said...

You know, Irene, that one of the hard to get at issues around the whole thing is that apart from your father's mental health problems, he was a kind and thoughtful man and that you felt closer to him than your mother. You have said so before.
This means that at the vulnerable time of night, you feel insecure. The person you trusted and felt close to was the most dangerous, though not to you, merely because of his state of mind.
The murder did happen later on in your life, but it was still able to undermine some of your basic beliefs about your world and has had a horrible impact which comes back to haunt you.
I think it is right what Twain says, exploring the whole thing properly and with care with a really good professional psychiatrist might help you to lay to rest all your ambivalence about your parents. It might help to address your lack of trust in others and your fear and horror about your own health issues.
Love and hugs

Anonymous said...

Your theories sound pretty good to me, too. How could anybody feel safe deep inside when something so traumatic happened in their past? It really might be worth exploring this one day with a supportive professional. But in the meantime, I do hope you can get some much-needed sleep soon!

Gail said...

I am so very one should ever have to experience this loss, this way.