Wednesday, October 6, 2010

There's no end to it.

In my present mood, I have a deep obsession with the computer and I leave it on night and day. At the moment, it is the only thing I really care about, to the point that it drives me crazy myself. There is nothing that can be done about it, though, and I just have to wait to get over it, which I assume will happen in a few days when my medication starts to work. There is some progress already in that I'm not writing and deleting numerous posts. Most times, I am glued to the seat of my desk chair and the computer screen and try to find interesting ways to keep myself amused. I pay very little attention to what goes on around me and I live in a tiny little world. 

Since my medication has been increased, I have started to sleep again. I do this during the day and during the night with intervals of a few hours. That's why I leave the computer on. I never know when I will wake up and need it again. I sleep on the sofa and am within easy reach of it. I seem to sleep for about four hours and then I wake up and have a cup of coffee. I'm not self medicating with coffee anymore and have stopped drinking so much of it. 

I was very negative during my meeting with my SPN and my psychiatrist this morning. I owned up to all my behavior, but felt angry about the fact that I have manic depression and I don't think I have ever felt angry about that before. I didn't say that, I think. I was just generally pissed off and that exhibited itself as sadness. I didn't know who to be angry with. I wasn't my usual cheerful co-operative self. I had no input, or hardly any. I don't think I'm going to be so cheerful anymore during these kinds of meetings. It gives the wrong impression. It makes it look like I'm coping better than I am. 

I've taken a long pause while writing this. I was waiting to feel better again. I had to take my medicines because it was time and I think I was in need of them. I was in need of the antipsychotic anyway. It takes a while before it is built up to a proper working level in your system. All day and night my mood goes up and down. I'm constantly fighting the downhill slide and trying to think magic thoughts so it won't go downhill and then it goes uphill again. I can't make sense of it. 

I wanted to write a more cheerful post, but I'm afraid I didn't manage it. I sure labored over it. It achieved its purpose in that it kept me occupied with the computer for a long time. 



Wisewebwoman said...

I'm glad you saw your medical support people, the meds will stabilize you in time.
Time, eh? always time. Be kind to yourself, my dear, this is not your fault.
We are all wired differently.

Gail said...

Hang in there, it will improve!

Maggie May said...

I am glad that you let the SPN know how you really feel.
It is OK to feel angry about your illness. I think it is quite a normal feeling.
Hope you feel more rested soon. I am sure you will.
Luv Maggie X

Nuts in May