Cups of comfort...

Since today is Sunday, and truly a day of rest, I will change my bed and do a load of laundry. I will also do the dishes and pay whatever bills there are. Isn't that a great plan for a day of rest? Somehow it seems easier to do those things today and don't ask me why. There's no rhyme or reason for it. I'm full of contradiction. You may have noticed that by now.

It's probably an effort on my part to take the sacredness out of the weekends. I don't want them to be so special anymore. I had my lazy day of indulgence yesterday, when I did almost nothing but sleep (I blame that on the depression and the increase of the medication). But I don't want to have another lazy day today when it is allowed. Today I want to be active.

Of course, it's easy for me to speak in the middle of the night when I'm always quite perky. It's another matter altogether during the day when I actually have to get into action. I have been known to fall by the wayside then. Daytime and I don't seem to get along so well. It seems I'm a nighttime person and have all my energy and spontaneity when I'm supposed to be asleep.

It must be because of those excellent cups of coffee I make. But I have them during the day too and they don't have the same effect then. I probably have an aversion to daylight. It's a mystery to me. I have daytime depression and nighttime perkiness. Well, it isn't quite as black and white as that. There are gray areas.

I mustn't get bogged down in my bipolarity. I'd like to think of myself as more multi-faceted than that, although I am a person of opposites. I do at times walk the middle line. I do on occasion have moments like that. Very often these moments involve the dog and the freedom of boundaries I feel in my interaction with him. There's a total loss of inhibitions when I play with him or otherwise communicate or cuddle. Animals are good for that.

I've had enough coffee now and am switching to cold milk. No doubt that will be a shock to my braincells. The coldness of the milk will shock them into action. I may tell you a whole new story. When I went to get the glass, I bumped my bad knee into the wooden frame of the armchair. That was not such a nice encounter. I still feel the after pain of it. I think that was a bad move.

I didn't stay up to watch last night's thriller because it was on too late. I do dislike that about Saturday night's thriller. I hardly ever manage to stay up and always want to go find my bed before that time. It's only on a rare occasion that I stay up long enough. It's a shame because it's the Swedish 'Wallander' and I do like that series.

It's going to be a partly cloudy day today with the temperature at 64F. At least we'll see some sunshine and that has been a while. Real summer weather is predicted in a couple of days from now and I can't wait. July has been the gloomiest month. I will still wear warm clothes today, but tomorrow it's supposed to be 78F, which is a real improvement. The fact that the sun will shine will be most important though. 

I think I will go back to bed. My brain has been sufficiently frozen into inaction by the ice cold milk and I can hardly think of another thing to write. I will lie in the semi-darkness and listen to the radio with my trusty dog by my side. He's got a new rawhide bone that he will very noisily chew on. It doesn't keep me awake. It's a familiar sound.

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Ever so slowly...

I was so cold last night, that I closed all the windows and turned on the heater. I put my pajamas on and my old gray cardigan and went to bed early because I was also very sleepy. I was ever so comfortable and warm under the duvet and sound asleep in no time at all. The dog and the cat accommodated me and also went to sleep.

I woke up several hours later with a head of sweaty hair, but I was well rested. That sleep was just what I had needed and I felt like a new woman. I let the dog out back and made a pot of coffee and turned off the heater. Needless to say, it was quite warm in here by that time and it was a bit stifling. It felt like I was in the tropics.

I opened up the bedroom windows again for some fresh air and immediately felt the difference. There's a gentle cooler draft, but it's not cold and uncomfortable like it was earlier. It's a clear starry night and there's no wind or rain. Today it will be cloudy again and cold autumn like weather. We should have the nighttime weather during the day. It would be wonderful to have a clear blue sky. I think I miss the sunshine.

I've had my cups of coffee and am now switching to ice cold milk. What a pleasure that is. No doubt I'll start yawning soon and it will be time to go back to bed. I have nothing of significance planned for today, except to walk the dog as often as I can and to do a load of laundry. I have to attend to the mail too. My favorite job.

I'll make myself comfortable in my armchair at some point and read my novel. I never did get around to that yesterday. You do have to be in the proper state of mind for that. You must have the ability to concentrate and yesterday I was short of that. I was also tired all day long and kept feeling like I had to take naps. I wished for a very luxurious bed. A bed fit for a queen. That's one dream I have to make come true one day. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Nostalgia...

I was just standing by the back door and apparently it has been such a wet month that it smelled like autumn in the night air. It really and truly only is July still, but it smelled like October. If there had been the smell of a wood fire, I would not have been surprised. 

The smell of autumn brings back all sorts of memories. None of them unpleasant, really. It must not be a season that I really have a problem with. The only bad thing is that it is followed by winter and that season I do have a problem with. Like most everybody, I think. I'm thinking of cold wind and ice and snow and how much I dislike them. 

But it's still July, although barely, and we still have August to look forward to. Hopefully it will be a nicer month than July has been. Maybe we will see more sunshine. It has been the wettest July since 1906. Things just have to improve. 

Yesterday I reached the lowest point in my depression and had no reaction yet to the email I had sent to my psychiatrist. I came to find out that he was not going to be in the office until next Monday. I couldn't wait that long.

I managed to get a hold of my SPN and tearfully explained the situation to her. She contacted another psychiatrist who had access to my file and arranged for my anti-depressives to be increased. This meant faxing a prescription to the pharmacy and having the delivery boy drop the pills off in the early evening.

I don't expect miracles and to be cured overnight, but it does give me some hope to have this extra pill that will in the end start working if all goes well. I also feel better for having unloaded my mind with my SPN. It felt good to actually say how bad I really felt and how I was not managing well at all. 

I've pulled myself together now and will wait it out. I can't force anything to be different than what it is at this point. I will roll with the punches. Acknowledging a depression is half the work. 

It's early in the morning and I'm still drinking coffee. I don't think I will go back to bed as I have some chores to do before the domestic help gets here. I'm also expecting the Exfactor. Possibly I will sit in my armchair and read my book while I have more coffee to stay awake by.

I started reading 'We Were the Mulvaneys' by Joyce Carol Oates and I'm already gripped by it. Here is novel to sink your teeth into. It's the kind of book I've been longing to read. It's intellectually and emotionally challenging. She's a great writer anyway and I've liked most of her novels. This one has been sitting on my bookcase for a while waiting for me to read it and I finally started on it yesterday evening.

I also watched an episode of 'Pride and Prejudice.' It seems that I have missed many episodes and last night Lydia had already eloped with Mr Wickham. It's a good thing that I've already seen the series several times and that I've read the book numerous times. I know there's only one episode left and I know the outcome, but still it's fun to watch. Colin Firth is such a joy to behold. If only he could have stayed Mr Darcy forever.

I must make it a point to get dressed today. That should be the least of my efforts. It's been a tough thing to do. Maybe taking the dog out for a walk early will blow the cobwebs from my mind. It's a very ambitious plan. I'll have to wait for it to become dawn first. I'll try to be as brave as my abilities allow me to be. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

No such luck tonight...

I had taken an extra sleeping pill in the hope of sleeping extra well tonight, but I was not so lucky as the dog started to bark very loudly not too many hours after I had fallen asleep. Needless to say, this shocked me awake and I had to get up to settle him down. I stayed up and made myself some coffee and now I am sitting here in a half awake state which is mildly pleasant and as a matter of fact, not at all disagreeable. 

It must be because I'm slightly drugged that it agrees with me so well and it's true that I'm slightly dopey. I'm not saying no to this state of mind and I embrace it fully because what a wonderful place to be in. All my thoughts are pleasant and mellow and I don't feel one bit of anxiety. I can highly recommend this condition to anyone. 

You may want to smoke a little bit of pot to get into this frame of mind. Just a few tokes ought to do it. It's good for whatever physical aches and pains you have and in some countries it is prescribed medicinally. You could be legally smoking pot if it's not easily available like it is here. My son used it as part of his cancer treatment. It was prescribed to him. 

That's was just an aside. I got a little sidetracked. I'm easily distracted right now being not completely in charge of my full faculties. 

Of course, this mood is not going to last forever. As I drink my coffee I will sober up and become quite normal again. It is not for me  to stay in a state of oblivion for a long time. I'm too down to earth for that. I do always seek the path back to the rational state of being very quickly. Recreational drugs are probably wasted on me. All they do is make me hungry and raid the refrigerator. 

I find that the best way to sleep in bed with my bad and painful shoulder, is to lie on my back with my hands folded over my stomach. Sort of like the effigy of a knight resting over his grave. I have the least amount of pain then. It's getting up and acting like it's a normal shoulder when I get in trouble and the least amount of movement bothers me.

This does not prevent me from using it, as I don't want to act like a cripple. I figure if I can stand the pain then I can do the deed. If I don't use it, it will stiffen up and I will be even further from home. If it gets worse, I will go see my GP, but until that time I will ignore it as much as possible. I sure can't go whacking anybody over the head with that arm, but I wasn't planning on doing that anyway. 

I didn't stay up to watch that thriller last night, feeling a great desire to go to bed instead and to sleep between the clean sheets. I was not disappointed and was very comfortable. It's a loss to miss the thriller, but sometimes sleep comes first. 

It won't come first now because by this time I'm over my stupor and I'm wide awake. I will have to drink some warm milk and in the meantime find some activities to keep me occupied.  It's still very early in the night and I've got many hours to go until dawn when I'll be ready to go to sleep again. Maybe I'll surprise myself and go to sleep on time anyway. 

I hope you're having a good night and that you'll have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

Drinking cups of coffee...

I've taken a nap and watched the news, but neither of these things have done anything to restore my sanity. I realized that I was in need of caffeine and saw myself forced to make a pot of coffee. 

I'm drinking my second cup and I know I will have a third one because I'm slowly coming to my senses. I no longer feel the need to commit suicide. That's a relief anyway. In a little while I may even be able to put on a happy face. 

Caffeine does normally have that effect. It works as good as any medicine. Why bother with a 'happy pill' if you can have a cup of coffee? 

I'm not doing well and see the shadow of the 'black dog' who's wandering around again. I'm showing all the signs of an upcoming depression and have already sent my psychiatrist an email to that effect. I've been fighting this feeling for a while and it's better to acknowledge it and ring the warning bell. 

It's not so smart to ignore help when help is available. It's no good trying to muddle through on your own and to fight a losing battle. You can act like you're tough when you're really being foolhardy.

Except for the news, there's not a thing of interest on TV tonight to distract me. Tomorrow night there will be a thriller on, but tonight there is just the usual fare for the masses. I suppose I will act like one and try to be amused anyway.

I still have to eat dinner, but I can't get excited about it. I will blame that on the 'black dog.' 

I have to go in search of a better mood. Maybe I left it lying around somewhere. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

The mildness of the early morning...

Last night I closed all the windows and turned on the heater, that's how cold I was. This is after I had put on my bathrobe over my clothes and I had put on socks also. I couldn't get warm enough. 

It was wonderful to have the heater on for a while, but I turned it off before I went to bed. I haven't opened the windows yet, but I will later this morning because I can't hear the rain that's falling and I do miss the sound of it. 

It's not going to be very warm today and I will wear warmer clothes than I did yesterday. I'm going to have to put away all the clothes I have worn in the last few days because I've left them lying around. They're very easily put away in the closet, but I've been lazy. 

I stayed up late last night because I watched the thriller 'Wallander' and it wasn't on until late. It was an exciting episode and worth staying up for. I think the month of many thrillers every week is over now because there isn't one on tonight, much to my regret. It will be plain old boring TV again from now on. 

That means I will be doing more reading possibly. I've started reading 'The Abortionist's Daughter' and am somewhat interested in it. It hasn't quite grabbed me the way I had hoped it would, but I will stick with it. I don't want to give up too easily. Maybe I'm not the reader I once was. 

Today will be the last stage of the Tour de France which I have been following to some extend. Both the television and the radio have been doing live broadcasts and have built other talk shows around it. There's been a lot of coverage. It's been hard to ignore it. There will be an exciting finish today because the winner is not yet clear. 

There's been a lot of television and radio coverage about the mass killings in Norway. We get hourly updates on that and it is an awfully gruesome thing. The Norwegians have been shocked to the core as theirs is a relatively safe country. I think we would all be very shocked if it happened to us. It's a very sad thing indeed. My heart goes out to the parents of all those young people that were killed. 

Since it's Sunday today, it is the inevitable day of rest, but there will be some chores I have to do, the laundry being one of them. Before I do anything, I will go back to bed and sleep some more. It's too early to start the day. 

It's stopped raining, but I will open the windows anyway to air out the place. With a little bit of luck it will rain again more soon so I can listen to the soothing sound of it. 

Have a good Sunday, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Cowgirls don't get the blues...

I've done my duty and walked the dog. That's how I looked at it this evening. I felt it was something that had to be done and not like something I was in the mood for doing. No doubt the total lack of excitement of the route has something to do with that. 

It doesn't get very exciting in the suburbs, especially not when all the wildflowers have been mowed down. Although I must say that at the edges of the fields, some dare to stick up their heads and bloom. A small, shy amount of them. The man with the weed eater hasn't been by yet.

He would do me a big favor if he stayed away. It would make my walk with the dog more interesting. I'd like the man with the grass mower to stay away too and for the fields to go more wild, but I suppose that's too much to ask. I'm sure that the people who live around them want just plain old short grass. 

It's getting dark in the living room because rain clouds have moved in and the sun has set behind the houses across the street. I'm noticing that the days are getting shorter already and I don't want it to happen. I'm sighing, "Where did the summer go?" 

We had a beautiful spring, but not much of a summer yet. It's been mostly cool and rainy and it's hardly felt like summer at all. In ten days it will be August already and that seems too soon. I've been warmly dressed most of the time. I've even worn my leather jacket. 

The series 'Pride and Prejudice' is going to be repeated on TV again. I guess they suppose that enough women want to watch it again during these boring summer months. I will probably watch it myself for lack of a better program. It's the one in which Collin Firth became famous. It will be worth watching it just to see him. The first episode is on tonight. 

I was going to write about the blues, but I've decided not to. It's a depressing subject. Maybe I'll be able to write about it lightheartedly another time.

I've got to eat dinner and watch the news. Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

By the wayside of my life...

I'm not in the mood for finishing the book 'Angels & Insects' by A.S. Byatt after having seen the movie, so I just now picked out another novel from the ones on the bookcase that I haven't read yet. It is 'The Abortionist's Daughter' by Elizabeth Hyde and I know very little about it except what I've read on the back cover. I'm taking a chance and hope that I will like it well enough. 

I haven't read anything by this author that I can remember, although some of the titles of her other novels look familiar. I can't say for sure if I've read any of them, though. I will let you know what I think of this one when I'm into it a bit. I've become a critical reader, so novels have to live up to a high standard. I'm afraid I've become spoiled by a few excellent ones I've read this past year. 

The energy I put into reading a book is precious and can't be wasted. I feel that it really has to be worth my while to take the time to sit and read it. It's very often an effort that I have to make and it's not always something that comes easy. It helps if a novel really grabs me with it's good prose and credibility and sense of compassion for the characters. I dislike it if the author's too far fetched fantasy wears me out me and pushes my 'hard-to-believe-button'. 

It's still in the middle of the night, although some people would be optimistic and call this the very early morning. It's not going to be light for some time and I'm facing a totally empty day. That is a day of no appointments and no excessive chores. I will have to find other ways to fill my day. I am sure my imagination will not forsake me and then there's always the Tour de France to watch.

I changed the sheets on the bed last night and found two duvet covers in the closet that I had forgotten about, so now I'm sleeping under little red roses. The covers are as good as new because I've hardly used them and had overlooked them being on the bottom shelf. They were just part of the unseen interior of the closet. They were unnoticeably there. I'm richer than I thought I was.

I saw my SPN yesterday. I don't know how well it went. I was teary eyed at the prospect of not seeing her anymore after September and as it is now, I only see her once every three weeks. I asked for another therapist after she's gone and was relieved to hear that my psychiatrist had already broached that subject with her. I don't think I can quite make it on my own and I think I'm going to fall into a bit of a hole when she's gone. 

I don't do well with changes and this will be a big change as she's played such a crucial role in my life. I have to properly prepare myself for it and not act like it's just nothing at all. I mustn't ignore my feelings by sticking my head in the sand and I can't approach everything rationally only. 

I think I will sit and read my book for a while in my armchair until I go back to bed. It's still not dawn yet. I will take my medicines which will make me sleepy. I can sleep late today. 

Have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

Slow motion...

It's truly in the middle of the night, there's no doubt about it. It's not even close to dawn. In a way that's good because it will allow me enough time to go back to bed and sleep long enough before the Exfactor gets here. I won't be completely befuddled when he gets here, although it doesn't matter so much in his case if I am. He is very patient with me and allows me time to wake up properly without me having to be all artificially cheerful. It's a much kinder process of waking up. 

I will try to be up on time before he gets here anyway and have the coffee ready. We are both always ready for a cup because a lot of times the Exfactor only drinks tea in the morning at his place and I'm convinced that it doesn't give him a proper start to the day. He really seems to come alive after he's had a cup of coffee here. That's because he drinks things like mint tea with sugar which leave him dopey. 

I'm drinking coffee now in an attempt not to be too sleepy headed and to be able to finish this post before I go back to bed. I've made just a little pot of it so I won't drink too much. There is always cold milk. I do need something to keep the slumber at bay for now. I would fall instantly asleep behind the keyboard if I didn't. It wouldn't do to have a row of letters imprinted on my forehead. 

It's not bad being in this half awake state. It's actually kind of pleasant. I feel as though I'm slightly drugged and better able to express my feelings, although they are all tenuous and hardly of any consequence at all. They are strictly nighttime feelings of made of ethereal stuff. Like fluffs of stardust and just as lightweight. There's not a heavyweight thought among them. 

I would always like to exist in this state of mind, somewhere in limbo I suppose. Neither here nor there. Somewhat approachable yet not quite present in my own elusive way; in a dreamy state of mind. It's a much more relaxed way of being.

I can't keep existing here. Reality pulls me back and has me return to the present situation which is that I'll have to go back to bed and finish sleeping. Besides, the dog wants impossible things from me that I don't know how to fulfill. He's been out back and he's had a snack. I don't know what else to do. There's little escapism when you get right down to it. It's all of momentary nature. 

Right, I'm off to bed to sleep some more and perchance to dream. I actually have no doubt about that. I always do the second time around and the most interesting things too. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

The beguiling early morning...

I've just about had my cups of coffee and I'm more than awake and functioning. It is early in the morning and in a little while it will be dawn and the first birds will start to sing. At least, I hope they don't change their minds in this somewhat gloomy weather. It is going to be an overcast day with showers. 

I've been up for a little while because the dog barked and I had to silence him immediately for the sake of the neighbors. Needless to say, this caused me to be wide awake like it always does. It always startles me out of a sound sleep. It's a bad habit the dog has. 

It's not really all that bad to be awake now because I have a few chores to do before the day starts properly and putting out the trash is one of them. As usual, I forgot to do that last night. I can do it in just a little while before the trash men get here bright and early. I've got the bag all ready to go. All I have to do is haul it outside to the curb. 

I feel better now, but looking back, I can say that I had about four bad days when things weren't going well with me. Maybe it was for even a longer period of time and I was outshouting myself. I may have been uncomfortable with myself for as long as a week. I'm starting to feel back to 'normal' now. 

It necessitated me taking extra medication to make it through the day and I really thought that I was in it for the long haul. This was beside the increase that I had already made. I did discuss this with my psychiatrist and although he wasn't thrilled about it, he allowed it as long as it was necessary. I didn't need it yesterday and maybe now I can get back to the regular dose.

It's awful to be unbalanced and to feel that you are losing the direction over your daily life. To feel that you are entering a state of madness when you seriously doubt your own reasoning powers and your ability to make clear deductions about your thoughts. All roads lead you to the wrong place and that is into the dark hole where there is confusion. 

I don't feel that way now. I can think clearly again. 

It is my own sister who deduced yesterday that I always do badly when she is gone. She had just come back from a week in Italy and I think she is right. I think subconsciously I get very insecure when she is gone. I miss the daily contact that we have on the phone and the knowledge that she is very close by when I need her. If I need her. 

It's dawn now, but for some reason I have not heard the birds sing. Maybe I missed the early concert completely. I have switched to drinking cold milk and very welcome that is too. The dog is sitting in front of the window waiting for the trash men to come by. He does know the Monday morning ritual after having watched me put out the bag. 

I've got to choose my clothes for today and they have to be warm. It's not going to be such a comfortable day outside. The temperatures will be low and there will be wind. I will walk the dog early and then I will tackle the chores. 

The other night, I watched the film 'Angels and Insects' on YouTube. Now I've seen the film before I've finished the book. I'm still interested in the book because I'm sure lots of detail was left out in the film. 

I didn't realize that you could watch whole movies on YouTube and I wonder which other ones are available. I know that the very first 'Harry Potter' is on there. I am going to see what other kinds of movies I can find there that I'm interested in.

Right, I'll get the show on the road. I hope you'll all have a good day. Low pressure systems notwithstanding. 

Ciao,

Nora

Feast or famine...

I haven't for the past two nights felt funny anymore and that's, I think, because I wake up prematurely. Tonight I woke up because the cat was licking my head with her rough tongue. It was a strange thing to wake up to, but rather pleasant once I realized what the sensation was. I laid very still so she wouldn't stop. 

Of course, after a while she did and moved on, so I got up and made myself some coffee. I'm waiting for it to put some oomph into my life as I sit here rather listlessly. I'm awake, but not functioning well enough. I'm counting on the caffeine to bring some difference to that.

I didn't have a very rewarding day yesterday. I went back to bed early in the morning without setting the alarm clock and I slept past both my appointments. I didn't wake up until a quarter past noon when it was too late for even the last one. 

At least I got all the sleep I needed and that was a good thing because I was in dire need of it. I had been dragging my butt for a couple of days. In the afternoon I even took a long nap and if the cat hadn't woken me up, I'm sure I would be asleep now. I made sure I set the alarm clock before I went to bed last night because I have a new appointment with my psychiatrist at 11 am. I mustn't miss that one. 

Actually, it wasn't such a very unrewarding day yesterday. It was just a very low key day. It rained for most of it, which didn't bother me too much, except for when I had to walk the dog. We did get a little wet and cold. The rest of the day, at least the part that wasn't spent sleeping, went by quickly. The day was over in no time at all. 

I watched a very satisfying episode of 'A Touch of Frost' and started reading a new book: 'Angels & Insects' by A.S. Byatt. I've always liked her novels and hope to enjoy this one as well. She's a very intelligent writer. The first novel I ever read of her was called 'Possession.' I recommend it for beginners. This novel I have now came from my bookcase from the hoard of books I haven't read yet. It is nice to be in 'possession' of all those books and have my pick.

I need to look through the mail from the last couple of days and see what that's all about, but I'm loathe to do it. I keep putting it off. I'm always afraid that people will want money from me. There's only so much to go around. It's a pain in the neck to get unexpected, official looking mail. You try to determine by the look of the envelope what will be in it, but it is impossible. The only thing to do is to be brave and open it up. 

For one day today the weather is actually going to be nice, but it is an exception. The sun will be shining and there will be no rain. The temperatures will be decent and there will be no cold wind like there was yesterday. After that there will be rain again. 

It is a very strange summer and we've had no hot weather to speak of since May. People are booking last minute vacations like crazy. Double the amount that they were last year.

I need to go back to bed to sleep for a few more hours. Not that I'm now sleepy or anything. I may get so once I'm under the duvet. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Laughing matters...

This is going to be an attempt at not taking myself so seriously, but I honestly don't know if I'm capable of it. It seems to me that I try to weigh off the amount of humor against the amount of graveness very carefully, but that I get bogged down in the latter very often. That is my perception anyway. It may be a skewed point of view, but that's how I see it. 

It's in the middle of the night and I'm having my inevitable cups coffee. I'm still waiting for them to wake me up properly and to put some pizazz into my writing. If they're not going to soon, I'm switching to cold milk. I want to get a little high out of the caffeine and if I'm not getting that, there's no point in drinking them. I'm still yawning and may have gotten up when I shouldn't have. 

I very easily could have continued sleeping after I went to the toilet, but I had to be stubborn and stay up. I have to be fully awake by 7 am because I have an appointment at 8:50 am. I have to go see the woman at my GP's practice who's going to help me quit smoking. That doesn't leave me much time to get any extra sleep and at noontime I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. It does pay to be alert by that time. 

I woke up with my short hair sticking up all over the place. I look like a stick figure that a child drew. That's the one drawback about having short hair. It does look funny when you've slept on it. I'll have to wash it every day to get it to look nice. That's no real hardship, of course. It's in place and dry in no time at all.

I have to go back to bed for a while. I feel that my whole body needs it. I'll have to set the alarm clock and hope I make it up on time. I'm going to set it for 8 o'clock. That should give me enough time to get my act together. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Generally keeping out of trouble...

I've just gotten back from the hairdresser where I got a really decent haircut. It was done so well, that I was proud to walk down the street with it, but then I'm an incredibly vain person. I hardly ever have any doubts about my good looks when I come away from the hairdresser. That's because she fixes my hair perfectly with gel and the proper attention. I can never get it to look that way myself.

It was a joy as ever to be fussed over and to sit in that chair and watch the metamorphosis take place. My very own young woman cut my hair and I was very happy for it. I had not seen her in ages and everybody else and their sister had been cutting my hair. Nobody had done a bad job, but this girl did a great job. She's been cutting my hair for years and we were trying to remember today how long it had been.

Because today is such a warm day, I have all the windows open and there's a strong draft blowing through the apartment. It's making it smell good in here, except for in the hallway where the air does not stir because it's dead space. I'll have to take the can of Brise and spray like crazy over there. Actually, I think I have to take all the items on the coat rack and wash them or air them on the clothes line.

It's supposed to rain later and already the clouds have moved in, although the sun is still trying to shine. I hope it will rain because then I won't have to worry about having to water my sister's garden while she's in Italy. So, keep your fingers crossed.

I have just put a bunch of things from the coat rack in the washing machine and put the rest outside on hangers and hope the rain will stay away for a while. Everything is off the coat rack now except for my leather jackets. I very liberally sprayed the hallway with air freshener. I'm going to walk in there in a while to find out what it smells like. I may have to go out and walk in again.

I have designated one spot as my smoking spot. It is a rattan chair by the open kitchen window. It is the only place I am allowed to smoke and sparingly too. I can't go there every time the urge hits me because I'd be going there constantly. I want the whole apartment to be smoke free and to smell good. I want no ashes and residue to settle on the furniture.

It's started to rain very hard and I'm too late to bring in the coats that are hanging outside. They are hanging beneath the trees so they should be alright. At least they will smell good now. I'm assured of that.

I'm going to take my afternoon nap. It will be nice to listen to the rain come down.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora 

Merrily skipping along...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette trying to pull myself together. I just woke up from a short nap and I think I woke up prematurely leaving me totally discombobulated. 

This is the second cup of coffee I'm having. I drank the first one quickly wanting to get back to normal as fast as I could. Whatever is supposed to be meant by normal. I suppose I should say that I want to be in a good mood.

I was nearly completely in a state of depression just a while ago. I thought the end of the world was in sight. I knew the coffee would change my outlook. I knew that's what I needed. As usual the caffeine has done its work again.

I can see the silver lining to the clouds again and behind it the sunshine. Phew, what a relief. It's a good thing that I knew I needed a cup or two of coffee or something awful could have happened. A person could commit suicide in vain. 

I actually didn't have a bad day at all. It just went pear shaped after that nap. The rest of the day went fine. I even got up at a decent time this morning and it was not necessary to drink numerous cups of coffee before I had my act together. I was functioning well very quickly well before my personal helper got here.

The time spent with her was good too. I experienced it as pleasant, which has been different in the recent past when I have thought of her in not so friendly terms, but it must be me who feels differently. I think the increase in medication has changed that and made me more approachable and friendlier. 

She noticed the difference in me and said that my whole demeanor was different and that she could even tell by my body language that I had a different attitude than I did last week. I remember being in worse shape then, but I didn't realize that it was such a large difference and that it was so obvious. I guess I can't hide myself from my environment. 

After giving it much thought, I've decided to try and quit smoking again. I've made an appointment with the supporting therapist who works at my doctor's practice and I will see her on Thursday. 

I've been thinking about quiting for a while now and really want to give it a try again after not succeeding last year. It's too expensive to keep smoking and it's not good for my health either. 

I can imagine myself as a non smoker. I have a picture of that person in my mind. I reread the blog posts that I wrote during the time that I was not smoking and I thought that I made a lot of sense then. I sounded like a sensible person. That's what really struck me. Things went downhill after I started smoking again. 

So, there's my resolution. Let's hope I make it this time. 

Have a good night, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Forgetfulness...

I was up during the night because the dog woke me up with his barking. I wasn't meant to be up and and even two cups of coffee didn't wake me up properly. I needed to go back to bed as soon as I had settled down the dog again, which took a while. 

I started to write a blog post, but I was not in the proper mood to complete it. I deleted what I had written because I thought it was a bunch of nonsense. It was about nothing at all and didn't matter one bit. I felt it was unworthy of being published, though I have that feeling often. 

I went back to bed some time early in the morning and slept for a long time, but the dog slept even longer than I did. It took numerous cups of coffee before I came to my senses. I was very uptight when I first got up. Luckily, that feeling has dissipated now. I feel like I'm more relaxed again.

I walked the dog and even though it is overcast, it is warm outside and I was almost dressed too warm. Seeing as though it is Sunday, there was no one outside, but it is possible that a lot of people are on vacation now because the schools are out. 

I have to change the bed and do a load of laundry and the dishes. This is in preparation to tomorrow when the domestic help will be here. I always seem to have chores to do on Sunday, but that's because I leave everything until the last minute. I work well under pressure. 

Thank goodness that tonight there's a thriller on. That's something to look forward to anyway. It will be on early too so I don't have to go to bed too late like I did last night. No doubt that accounted for my sleepiness because I didn't take an afternoon nap, nor will I today.

I'm wearing my loose fitting jeans and they are so comfortable. I feel I can move in them any which way and not get into breathing difficulties. I can bend over double and still be alright. I can touch my toes and not pop out of them. It's a miracle that I can touch my toes at all. 

Right, I'm off.

I hope you're all having a splendid Sunday and the weather you want. 

Ciao,

Nora

Ain't it wonderful?

Today is actually Saturday and the first day of the weekend which I love so much. I can't begin to tell you why I do. It would turn into an endlessly boring story, but I do like the two days off from most of my responsibilities, few as they are and mostly imagined. I have 'during the week stress syndrome'. I always feel under a lot of pressure and it disappears over the weekend. 

I always felt that I had to be sick in order to get out from under the stress that I felt and used to get many mysterious cases of the flu. Headaches, sore throats, stomachaches. Now that I know better, I don't get these aches and pains anymore, except on rare occasions. I can honestly say that I'm actually physically a very healthy person when I didn't think I was before. 

I do still get backaches, but I think those have to do with posture and weak spots in my back. Being away from the computer and taking a good walk help take care of them. Having lost all the weight has also helped tremendously. I do very often have a sore spot halfway up my back, but that's due to the mild case of scoliosis. Sitting very upright helps and taking pain medication on occasion is also helpful. 

That goes to show you how mental stress can translate itself into physical ailments. You need to take care of yourself mentally in order to take care of yourself physically. I used to get an inflamed esophagus regularly and I never do now. My stomach used to be literally tied up in knots and make me feel sick to the point of vomiting. 

Anyway, it is Saturday and I can relax and enjoy the day which will end with an episode of 'Wallander' on TV tonight. It will be on late, so hopefully I will not be too sleepy and have the energy to stay up to watch it. It is on past my bedtime and I may be tempted to go to sleep. But then I would miss out on listening to all that wonderful Swedish, so I do really have to give it my best try and stay up.

Yesterday went by fine. A domestic help was here, but it still wasn't my regular one whose whereabouts are a mystery to me. The girl that was here instead was a part time worker who was really a student at the university, so capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. She had coffee with the Exfactor and me when he showed up to do some shopping for me. 

The dog thought the domestic help had come especially for him and spent a lot of time bonding with her and by the time she left he was best friends with her. He does like all this company we get and he especially likes the fact that they're all cuddly women who take the time to pet him. He can't get up close and personal enough. He likes everybody. 

I finally had the courage to open up all my mail and was glad to find out that I could dismiss most of it. A lot of it went straight into the recycling box. Today I have to check the mailbox again because I haven't checked it in a few days not being in the right frame of mind to do it. I don't get mail every day and I have a sticker on my mail slot that prohibits junk mail. I don't want to have to deal with a lot of adverts as well as regular mail.

I checked the TV guide and found out that the daily exercise program is on at 8:45 in the morning. Unfortunately, that's when I'm asleep. I thought I needed the exercise to get rid of some excess fat and to tone some muscles. I have to figure out a way to do this. I know the exercise program is good because I've watched it a few times. 

I suppose I could set the alarm clock, but I don't know if I'm that much of a hero. I would be awfully grouchy if I was woken up by it and I wouldn't have had enough sleep. It's a real dilemma. I would probably shut off the alarm clock and roll over and go back to sleep. 

I have to stop eating vanilla pudding even though I only eat one bowl of it a day. I've got to switch to another kind of sensible and healthy food. I was thinking of whole meal rusk toast with cheese. As long as I feel that I've eaten something substantial. The vanilla pudding tastes great, but it probably has too many calories in it. It tastes too good to be true. 

Well, it's time for me to go back to sleep. I've been drinking cold milk and am sufficiently chilled to want to get back under the warm duvet. The dog's just been out back for a piddle, so he's all set for now. 

I hope you all have a great day. Enjoy your weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora 

Acceptance...

The coffeemaker is brewing a pot of coffee to which I'm looking forward very much. It is spitting the last drops of water into the filter and I will be able to fill my cup in just a second. It will be most satisfactory to drink because I just had a cup of heated up coffee and it wasn't so very good. I knew it wasn't going to be, but I had it anyway. I was too discombobulated when I first got up to make a proper pot. 

I didn't hear the first birds start to sing, but now I'm listening to the latecomers. They don't sound nearly as enthusiastic, as if they're just putting in their time. It all sounds rather halfhearted. The first birds really make a concert of it and are jubilant. They sound like a hallelujah choir that greets the day wholeheartedly. 

Thank god today is Friday. All I have left to do are the dishes and to hang up the clean laundry. Those are not unsurmountable chores. They are within reason. The bed's been changed and I had the pleasure of sleeping under clean sheets last night. That was after I watched 'A Touch of Frost' which was on late.

It was a satisfactory episode and nothing too complicated, although it did have a twist that I didn't figure out until the last minute, but then again, I'm not a big sleuth and do like to be surprised. It was a good old fashioned thriller. The kind that makes you want to have cheese and crackers and a good glass of wine while you watch it. 

I've accepted the fact that I've had to increase my medication after having decreased it not too long ago. It seems that I don't do well enough on a lesser amount in the long run. I can see the sense of that and I hope my psychiatrist can see it also. I have to write him an email about it today. 

It's always nice to try and do with less and for a while it seemed to work, but this is the second time in a few weeks that I've gotten into trouble and I think that's too often. I become dysphoric and it is highly uncomfortable. I don't think that's the way I'm supposed to exist. It's supposed to be easier than that. 

I'm having a lovely glass of cold milk now and very nice it tastes too. I'd had enough coffee. It really only takes two cups to get me in the right state of mind as a rule. I'm going to do my chores before I go back to bed for some more sleep. The domestic help is going to be here today and I have to get up on time before she gets here. I do need to come to my senses before she walks in. 

There's not going to be an exciting thriller on this evening. There will be a Belgian police series on and they are as bad as the Dutch ones. They don't compare to the British thrillers. Then there's going to be 'The Music Fest on the Square.' That's all Dutch music and that's about as bad as it sounds. It doesn't suit my taste, but a certain segment of the population seems to really enjoy it. 

Right, I'm off. Have a great day. 

Ciao,

Nora

Easing toward dawn...

Actually, I just noticed that it's dawn already because the sky is starting to become light, although there are many clouds there still. I've been so preoccupied that I didn't hear the birds sing, but now that I'm paying attention, I do hear some of them chirp. I think I missed the big concert earlier when they all woke up. 

There must have been the usual cacophony, but I didn't hear it because I was too busy commenting on blog posts. That goes to show you that I can only pay proper attention to one thing at the time. I can't chew gum and walk at the same time. 

I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and I'm cold so it's time to put on my bathrobe. Why didn't I think of that earlier? Is that how preoccupied I was? 

The dog is sleeping soundly behind me in the armchair. I haven't heard a peep out of him yet. The cat is asleep on the sofa. She's curled up into a little ball. That's what the early morning looks like here. 

I'm trying not to think too much about the day ahead. I've still got to go to bed to sleep some more before I really start the day. It won't be until my second attempt at getting up that I will have to give serious thought to the rest of the day. 

I do know one thing, I'm going to increase my medication like I did yesterday and inform my psychiatrist of it. It helped me so much and I felt so much better when I did it yesterday that it seems senseless not to do it today and have another bad day. I've had enough of them and don't want a repeat.

I've got some chores to do today and I suppose that, despite the reluctance that I feel, I will get them done. I just need to work up some enthusiasm and I hope that when I wake up later, I will have some of that. It's very necessary that I feel up to things again and not look at them as a mountain I have to climb. 

I've been watching a program on TV called 'Baby Boom' and I'm sure that if I were in my child producing years, I would have been motivated to get pregnant now. It's all about getting pregnant and trying to stay pregnant and having babies. It tugs at my heart strings and brings back many memories and I'm sorry that those years are behind me. 

It's probably the wrong program for me to watch. I'm sure I'm in the wrong age group. I have an infertile body and no hormones screaming through my body. It's purely an emotional issue. Accepting that I've reached this stage in my life and that the other stage is over for good. I sure do miss it, though. 

'Aurelio Zen' was on last night and it was a good episode. I understand that only three of them were made and that it's not sure if more of them will be. I think that's a shame and I hope whoever is in charge will change their mind. They are so well done that you forget they are not Italian actors acting as Italian characters. 

'Inspector Frost' will be on tonight and I'm looking forward to that too. He's an old favorite, but I don't know if these will be repeats or new episodes. Either way, it's a good way to spend the evening, although I do end up going to bed late. But that's the least of my worries. 

I'm going to change the sheets on my bed and start a load of washing. It will be nice to lie down in a clean bed. I'm already yawning again so I think it's time to go. I've been drinking cold milk and am slowly getting sleepier. There's a great desire to get under the warm duvet.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Giving it a try...

I've been in a somewhat bad mood for the past two days, but now that I'm up in the middle of the night, I feel better and I'm going to take advantage of it and try to write a cheerful post. The somewhat weak, yet potable coffee is helping me be in a more optimistic mood, but maybe it's the hour of the night that's helping me be more cheerful. I do always do better at this time of my 24 hour cycle. 

The coffee is weak because I'm almost out of it and I have just enough left to make a pot in the morning when I get up again. By that time I will be out of milk, but there's the powdered creamer left. I'm counting on the Exfactor being here on time to save me from my dire situation. I will drink rooibos tea if I have to, it does agree with me as opposed to regular tea, which gives me lots of phlegm and coughing fits. 

My daytime moods have been very negative and make me not be productive at all. I sit around like a bump on a log and do a lot of sleeping. I can't get excited about very much at all and only take out the dog because I have to. My level of motivation is very low. 

There's a commercial on TV for a soft drink in which people turn into a splash of water and scatter like many drops of it into the air. I've been wanting the same thing to happen to me. To just dissipate into thin air and to vaporize completely. What a perfect way to stop existing. If only it were that simple.

I guess I'm looking for a painless way out. An easy solution that only exists in fiction.

Now, however, it is nighttime and there is a different set of circumstances. I must look at the glass half full, though the coffeepot and the milk container are empty. I guess it's time to drink tea. 

I don't know what my day is going to look like, except that the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries. More than anything I would like for my mood to improve. I would like for my sense of peacefulness to return. I must find my inner center of calm and concentrate on that and try to find contentment in the little things. 

There's going to be an episode of Inspector Frost on tonight. That's something to look forward to. There's also mail to open. I look less forward to that. It's a minor miracle that I even got it out of the mailbox yesterday. I prefer no mail at all because whatever it is, it's almost always mail I don't want.

I'm sufficiently tired now to want to go back to bed. I've got hours left to sleep. I may waste this day on nothing important at all. If I regain my equilibrium then that would be an achievement. I think doing some dishes and a load of laundry is called for. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Nothing but coffee...

It's in the middle of the night and nothing but this cup of coffee I just poured is going to set my head straight. It tastes good even though I used the ground coffee sparingly. I'm starting to run out and the Exfactor won't be here to do the groceries until tomorrow which is a day late. He didn't inform me of this until after he had gone to the store on Friday. I'm also almost out of milk so I have to be very frugal. I will miss my tall glasses of cold milk very much. 

The good part is that the laxative tea I drank this afternoon just worked and I unloaded a small dump truck full. What a relief to be finally able to go. I want to shout it from the rooftops and hang out the flag. That goes to show you what simple pleasures there can be in middle aged life. Such events take on enormous importance and can't be overrated. 

Yesterday I was in a grumpy mood. That may partly have been because I was woken up in the morning by my personal helper and never got the chance to properly come to my senses. She expected me to be immediately talkative, while I needed some peace and quiet and several cups of coffee. 

I do need the time to myself in the morning and can't immediately be sociable. It takes me a while to pull myself together and become a semblance of a human being. Quiet time first thing when I wake up is very important. Needless to say, I was not able to carry on a conversation in the state I found myself in and never did get my act together properly. 

After my personal helper left, the domestic help showed up and she wanted to be sociable as well. This caused me to have to be more friendly than I felt. I didn't feel sociable at all. I did my best, but finally withdrew to the bedroom where I fell sound asleep on the bed with the dog. Falling asleep is my reaction to stress. 

It makes me appreciate the time on my own all the more. If I could always choose when I saw people it wouldn't be as bad, but that's not always the case. They do come whether or not I'm ready for them. I'm not in charge of my agenda. 

Today I have a day off from social obligations. I have no appointments like I often do on Tuesdays. The day will be mine to spend as I wish. There will be no intrusions. 

I'm going to start by going back to bed and finishing sleeping for as long as I can. At least I know I won't be woken up prematurely. It will be a wonderful thing. I like only having to deal with the animals when I wake up. They are enough company for me. A few words and a few cuddles are all that they need. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Dreaming of the good guys...

It's very early in the morning and the first birds have not yet started to sing. I've had two cups of coffee and am now drinking my third one. For some reason they taste extra good this morning and they are even quenching my thirst. They are also making me feel nice and warm on the inside and I'm sitting here in my pajamas without my bathrobe on. 

It was cool during the night and it isn't going to be such a warm day. I like the coolness at night and sleep better for it. I don't mind so much what the temperature is during the day, as long as it's not too hot. I don't think we're in danger of that this coming week. It's going to be summery, but not too warm. It will be pleasant to be outside. 

Because the fields have been mowed again, there aren't any interesting wildflowers growing there right now. The grass is kept cut short. There are still tall red poppies in the flowerbeds, but that's about it. There's nothing exciting to discover. I look in vain for something new, but all there is is white clover that grows very close to the ground and that is not cut down. The interesting ground cover with the purple flowers has been completely decimated. It was better when the fields were neglected during the drought. Nobody cared what was growing there then. 

Last night I watched a very good episode of 'Sebastian Bergman.' It was interesting because you get to know the character better with each episode and learn to find him a little more sympathetic. There's nothing worse that disliking the main character of the plot. He's becoming more human now. The episode was very exciting and filmed well and then, of course, there was the Swedish language which I paid close attention to. It's starting to make sense. 

I watched a journalism program afterwards which touched on a bunch of political subjects, but which left me none the wiser and with more questions than I had. I suppose it was to stimulate my independent mind. I just wish I knew what to do with it. I feel hopelessly inept at changing the course of history. The 'old boys network' seems very much in place and very smug and solid too. Our liberal prime minister seems to have tight control of everything and enough support to get away with it. Liberalism here being the same thing as what conservative republicanism is in the United States. 

I will go back to bed now. My personal helper is going to be here this morning and I've got to set the alarm clock so I will get up on time. I'll have to find some decent clothes to wear too. Something I will feel pretty and comfortable in. 

I hope you'll all have a very good Monday and a Happy 4th of July if that applies to you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday morning...

Well, it may already be morning and the birds may already have greeted the day, but that does not mean that I'm awake yet. I'm in an upright position and I'm writing this, but that's about where my alertness ends. I'm drinking my second cup of coffee and I hope to come to my senses soon. I'll try to make sense in the best possible way and write something coherent until the coffee kicks in. 

I went to bed after midnight because I stayed up and watched an episode of 'Wallander.' It intrigued me enough to want to stay up and finish watching it, although it was way past my bedtime. Besides, it was the Swedish one and I do love watching anything done in Swedish. It's the linguist in me that enjoys it so much. I always try to understand as much of it as I can. 

I watched this after I came home from the film I watched in the film house with my sister. That was only a partial success. It wasn't a very good film, but we had a nice outing. We had cappuccinos in the bar before and after the film and it was very cozy. The film house itself is a very nice place to be and fun to linger in. We got a schedule of the films coming up for the next couple of months and are going to pick out the other ones we want to go see together. There's lots of choice. 

We rode our bikes over there and the film house is downtown. I had not been there in forever, so it was about time that I made the trip, although nothing had changed, of course. Making the bike ride over there wasn't nearly as gruesome as I thought it was going to be and we were there in the shortest amount of time. I'm in good shape and can do it easily. It wasn't very warm out, but that was good weather for riding our bikes in. 

The coffee has kicked in and I am fully awake, much to my relief. I can think absolutely straight. I've got to think about what I'm going to do today besides watch the Tour de France. It will be on all afternoon and I do like to watch it for the scenery and to listen to the casual commentary. It's a nice way to spend the time. It's the tour of tours, after all.

Tonight the thriller 'Sebastian Bergman' will be on. It is another Swedish one. I will be able to practice the language more. At least it will be on at a decent enough time so I won't end up in bed too late. 

I do have to keep in mind that this is that last day of the weekend which is flying by quickly. I have to make the most of the day and spend it as pleasurable as I can. I do think that's what Sundays are for. Sundays are 'treat yourself well days.' 

Of course, I always treat myself well and there's not a day that goes by that I don't. I always try to make things as pleasant as possible for myself. For the most part I succeed, bar the things I don't have any control over. I count my blessings all the time and knock on wood regularly. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora