Making good use of my time...

I'm certainly not doing it with sleeping like I should be. Apparently that's too novel of an idea for me to consider during the night. God forbid that I should be in bed sleeping like ordinary people. Instead I sit here behind the computer and have a splendid time amusing myself with all sorts of things. Most of which are unnecessary, I might add. I'm not filling my time very usefully at all, but then that's not why I'm up. I'm up for the sheer pleasure of it. I'm just indulging myself at this pont.

The best way to slow down. and get myself ready to go back to bed, is to write a post and drink a glass of ice cold milk. That sets the tone as a rule. By that time I can take my morning dose of medicines and sleep as late as I want. I usually have the weirdest dreams when I sleep then. They are full of symbolism about my past and present situations. To me falls the job of interpreting them. I do a fairly decent job of that, although I would like to discuss them with a really insightful person to gain some more wisdom.

It's not very cold inside in the middle of the night and it's enough to sit here in my bathrobe without the heater turned on. My socks keep my feet warm. I do get colder from drinking the milk, but that only makes me look forward to getting under the warm duvet. I still have the windows of both the bedrooms open and they keep the apartment aired out. There's nothing like inhaling fresh nighttime air while you're asleep. That's ignoring any air polution, of course, because I'm sure there's some of that. 

Today I have to do chores. I have been neglecting them also. It seems I had a couple of days that I didn't do so many things. They were downcast days during which I didn't function so well. I guess everybody gets days like that when they have to get caught up again later. I have a big stack of dishes to do and somehow I have let them get out of hand. It will be a pleasure to scrub them clean. I want to be all caught up with the laundry by tomorrow. The domestic help will be here then and the place must be picked up. 

I must get back to bed now. I need to get the rest of my sleep. The cold milk has also made my stomach protest so I've had enough of it. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Here I'm sat...

I'm drinking a delicious cup of coffee and am generally feeling in a good mood, although that did take me a while. When I just woke up from my nap, I was a bit grouchy and had to wait for the caffeine to cheer me up. I made a fresh pot of coffee and had a big mug of it before I felt my mood improve. Now nothing can go wrong. I feel ever so much better and I can face what's left of the day with a good attitude. 

I'm still sitting here in my bathrobe while outside it is storming. It has been since early this morning. There's lots of gale force wind and rain. It's not a day to be outside and I left the pleasure of walking the dog to the Exfactor who was here at the right time. He got here between showers, but also had to go some other places in town and I do think he must have gotten very wet. I thought about him when the rain was coming down very hard and hoped he had found shelter. 

The weather will continue to be bad for a while longer. Luckily, my appointment tomorrow morning with my therapist was canceled and now I won't have to ride my bike through the wind and rain. I do feel a certain amount of relief about that. I wasn't looking forward to it. It does give me the day off when I can be taking care of some bills and other paperwork that I have been neglecting. Things always work out for a reason. 

The Exfactor informed me, after he had taken him out, that the dog had worms, so he got a treatment for that as well as for the fleas. Luckily, I still had the pills for that and I hid one inside a piece of cheese. The dog swallowed it without a problem. As long as it is food, it is inhaled instantly. Giving him medicines is always easy. 

I've got to get dressed and take him for a walk. I think it has temporarily stopped raining. It's already dark outside and I'm not greatly inspired to go out there, but I'm sure the dog will appreciate it very much. 

Ciao,

Nora

Trying to get happy...

I'm drinking a cup of coffee and trying to get happy because I'm not right now. I just woke up from a nap and I'm really down in the dumps. I hope the caffeine will get me out of them soon. I really see the glass very empty and thoughts of doom are haunting me. I so dislike feeling this way, but I don't know how to feel differently. I don't know how to get there. 

I know what the cause of my bad feelings is. I can't do much about changing it. It lies outside myself and all I can do is change the way I react to it. Change the way I deal with it. I haven't found a method yet and I do worry.

When confronted so directly with other people's problems, I don't always know exactly what to do. My instincts tell me to run away as fast as possible, but I don't and stay and try to help. I think I should listen to my instincts more. 

I could solve this problem by just talking about it here indirectly. 

Sometimes you get pulled into other people's lives more intensely than you would like. More than is comfortable for you. Before you know it, you are in over your head. That's when you need to think about yourself and your own sanity. Actually, you should have done that a couple of steps back. It's because you cared that you didn't.

Still, you need to extract yourself in the most graceful way without making it look like you don't care at all. You've got to stop playing the rescuing angel, the good Samaritan, and start taking on a more normal role. Or at least one that fits you more comfortably. Forget about normal because who's to say what normal is? 

Right, I've made up my mind then and I know what to do now. That's a load off my mind. I will make a phone call shortly and make myself clear. Tactfully. 

Have a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

Just make some coffee, woman!

Not too long ago, I was in a terrible mood. It felt like the world was coming to an end. I got up from my nap and felt devastated. I was literally in a number one depression and didn't know how to get out of it. I sat in my armchair with a glass of milk and just felt awful. I wondered what in the world had happened during my nap that I felt this way and why my day had suddenly ended up like that. 

Of course, what I didn't do was make a pot of coffee because that would have lifted my spirits soon enough. I was in such bad shape that it didn't dawn on me until a few hours later after I had suffered quite a bit. For some reason it actually did get through to me at one point to make a pot and once I did have a cup of coffee, I startted to feel a lot better. By the time I had my second cup, I was my usual cheerful self and all was well with the world. 

That just goes to show you what a benevolent chemical caffeine is for me and how I can't do without it at certain times of the day. I would still be in bad shape if it weren't for those cups of coffee. I might be contemplating all sorts of things now that I don't even want to think of. Thank god I did have the caffeine and that I was smart enough to make the coffee because I was almost in too much of a stupor to do that. I was saved by my instincts that finally kicked in.

The weather has been horrible today. It has been storming with a terrible strong wind blowing rain and hail sideways and thunder and lightening on top of that. I've been outside as little as I could and the dog has had to go out back mostly. The weather is very unpredictable and it does clear up for a few minutes at the time, only to suddenly become horrid again the next. Hopefully, this will all clear up by tomorrow, but I'm not sure if the rain will stop. 

I'm very comfortably seated here early in the evening and I'm glad the day is done. I feel that I'm just now coming to life. It was sort of a wasted day. I think the storm unsettled me and I didn't like the way the wind hit the rain against the windows. It's now temporarily quiet outside and it is very enjoyable. I've just turned on the heater and it's nice and warm in here. 

I very much like my new skinny jeans. They are very comfortable and they fit well and have enough stretch in them to allow easy movement. I certainly got the size right and will know from now on which ones to get. This brand is very good and relatively inexpensive. It's also nice to be able to order them online.and have them delivered the next day. I must also have a very easy size because the length of the legs is just right. It's nice when you can count on that.

The style that I've got my hair combed in now is much better than how I had it before. I can sleep on this hair and wake up looking decent. I hardly have to do anything to it to get it in shape and I don't have to use so much hairspray.. I've got it parted on the other side and it covers my thin spot better. That's my secret., by the way. Don't tell anyone. My hair looks fuller and is more manageable. I never tried this before, but wish I had. It's a real discovery. It's going to be so much easier to let it grow out now. 

I didn't wear any make up today and that's against my own rules. I didn't feel like getting all gussied up. For some reason, I liked myself well enough without it. Besides, I didn't go anywhere today. Putting on mascara is the hardest because of the low volume of eyelashes that I have left. They used to be thick and long, but as I've gotten older, they've gotten thinner and shorter. I think this is very unfortunate and one of the drawbacks of middle age. There ought to be a law against this sort of thing.

I hope you'll all have a good evening and better weather than we're having. 

Ciao,

Nora

The shutters of my mind are closed...

I'm temporarily shut off from my good feelings. I hope it's temporary and not a permanent condition. I'd hate to go through life this way. I really do see things in shades of gray now and black is another prominent color. Lord knows that they are not attractive shades of color to see your life in. I need something brighter than this. 

Let's blame it on the absence of sunlight. It has been dreary all day and cold too. The sky has been overcast and gray and it has been raining. Not exactly the kind of weather to feel optimistic about. 

I know that's not really the reason for my bad mood, but I'm pretending it is. I'd have to dig deep within myself to find the real reason and that may be too much work. Normally I'm all for analyzing myself, but something is witholding me now. Call it my angry little stubborn streak. I feel very ornery at this moment.

Chances are that I'll talk myself right out of it if I sit here long enough. I know I can never stay permanently grumpy. But I don't know if I'm only grumpy or if there's somthing more the matter. I suppose I'll know that tomorrow when I get up and start a new day. Now is not the time to know for sure. 

You shouldn't pay any attention to me. I probably got out on the wrong side of the bed when I got up from my nap earlier this evening. I had been to see my sister and got home late in the afternoon and was very tired. I took a nap when it was not really a good time to take one. I'm a little bit off schedule as a result. 

You see how I can trivialize my bad mood and make it not at all important anymore. It doesn't even deserve the words I'm wasting on it. 

I think I will go and eat some dinner now. I need to feed my body. I can't live on ice cold milk alone. It did taste very good, though. 

Ciao,

Nora

Dull moments in the closet...

I sit here not quite awake drinking my cup of coffee. There's fog in my head still from the nap I just took. I hope to any minute now become more clearheaded, but it may take me a while. In the meantime, I will just enjoy this state of mind to the best of my ability. It does add another dimension to my thinking capacities. The fact that they are a little impaired doen't bother me all that much. Goodness knows what I'll come up with. 

My mascara was smeared by one eye when I got up, but that was quickly fixed. I still look decent enough to go walk the dog in a little while. Besides, it is dark outside and no one will see. It's not as if I'm going out on a hot date and the dog makes no objections at all if my make up isn't on right. That's the one drawback of dogs, I do think they ought to be more critical of your looks. And more appreciative too. 

At least my nails are properly polished and my hands look decent with my rings on them. I almost look like a lady and I could be mistaken for one. I'm certainly dressed like one because I'm wearing a very ladylike dress. It comes from my closet hardly worn because it didn't fit me all that well before. It sure does look good now. Losing a few kilos made all the difference. It's a tight fitting dress, at least it was. It's a little roomier now. 

I'm glad I rediscovered it. Delving into my closet every now and then can be a rewarding experience. I always find something that I had forgotten about. I don't know if I should blame that on my bad memory or on my abundance of clothes. I don't think I have that many clothes. I do regularly take things out of the closet and put them away. I really wish I had an abundance of shoes and boots because I never seem to have enough of them. Unfortunately, I'm not that lucky. I would like to find boots I had forgotten about.

The coffee has woken me up to a point and it has also made me very thirsty. I will have to drink a glass of ice cold milk. That will play some other tricks with my mind and my stomach. There's never a dull moment around here. Well, actually there are. I just refuse to recognize them as such. I just pretend they are meditative moments. I have them regularly during the day. 

I always pretend my life is more interesting than it is. I have to use my imagination a lot and care about things that are really not very important. I have to make the little things big and give them lots of meaning. That´s why I always say that you have to care about them. If you do, they will fill up your life and give it contentedness.

I have to take the dog for a walk. He´s been waiting patiently beside me. It is cold and dark outside so I will have to dress for it. 

I hope you´ll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

In from the cold...

I'm sitting here warming myself with a cup of hot coffee after having just walked the dog in the cool evening air. It wasn't actually all that cold and all I had on was my short leather jacket and a scarf. That's pushing my luck just a little bit, but I refuse to put on my winter coat unless I absolutely have to. I'll put it off until the last possible minute. Call me stubborn if you have to. I refuse to own up to the fact that it's almost winter. As long as there's no snow, I'll pretend it isn't. I'm in fact in total denial. 

The sun was shining this afternoon after the day started of dreary and drizly. As long as the sun shines, I'm full of hope. All around the bits of clouds I saw lots of blue sky. It hasn't actually rained all that much either. Not as much as was predicted, so we got off easy. The farmers needed the rain and nature did too, but for us ordinary human beings it was nice. It's especially nice not to get rained on when you're out on your bike. It's tough to dress for the rain and the cold.

My hairdo appreciates no rain also because I've got it just right now. I don't have to use an overabundance of hairspray on it and it stays in place real well all day even if there's wind outside. I know, I'm so self centered to think of it. It's true, I'm a very self absorbed woman.

My carefully applied nail polish has already chipped on three nails and I thought that nail polish was much tougher than that. There must be some that can withstand the test of time or how else is a woman supposed to look decent for any length of time? I'll have to fix them tonight because now I look ridiculous. It does take an effort to look beautiful. Nobody ever said it was easy. You do have to have the odd spare hour to put into it. 

Sometimes, when my mind gets into that space, I get very preoccupied with my looks and I can get very absorbed with my clothes and make up. They take on very important roles in my life. Luckily, I do have the time and energy, as a rule, to spend on them. I don't mind giving them the extra mental energy that they require. It's fun to think about fixing myself up to look pretty for even the least amount of audience. Because, really, how many people see me? I mostly have to do it for my own sake. 

The coffee tastes excellent and is putting me in a good frame of mind. I don't know if it's just the coffee or the fact that it's Friday evening and that it's the weekend. I must say, that despite everything I claim, I still like the weekends the best, although why this is so is a mystery to me. I'll leave that unanalyzed and unexplained. Not everything in life needs to be figured out. 

I'm going to put clean sheets on my bed in a little while so I can look forward to going to sleep tonight. That sounds as if I ever have a problem with that. Of course, I don't. Going to bed and sleeping is one of my favorite things to do and I never think that I will not sleep when I go to lie down under the duvet. It's staying asleep that I have a problem with, but then I do amuse myself when I'm up. In my own convoluted way I do end up getting enough sleep. That's the main concern. I haven't turned into a zombie yet. 

I better get the show on the road. I've got a few things to do and the news to watch also. I must be well informed because we face turbulent times in Europe.

I hope you all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Time out from the rat race...

I'm only joking...I'm not in any sort of a rat race and haven't been since I left my well off middle class life when I had to keep up with the rest of the yuppies. I haven't felt that kind of pressure since then and hope to never feel it again. It's much better to be at the bottom of the ladder. At least I'm not striving to reach impossible heights. Closer to the bottom, you don't have so far to fall. It doesn't hurt as much. 

No, today has been a fairly leisurely day and I have not felt any specific stress. The only thing that was wrong with it was that I tried to take a nap in the afternoon but was unsuccessful. That doesn't happen very often and it surprised me because I really tried. I'm usually a master at taking naps. I can do it easily every day. It's true that the bedroom was cold because of the open window, but the duvet was warm and that should have been good enough. 

When I realized that I wasn't going to fall asleep, I went to the bathroom and started cleaning out both of my make up bags. I had not looked inside of them for quite a while because I had stopped using any kind of make up. Between the two bags, I found all sorts of neat things that I didn't know I had and I was much surprised. Some of it, or should I say a lot, was good stuff that I could use. All I had to do was have a change of attitude and be girlie again. In other works: decorate myself a little.

I found three lipsticks, but one of them was dried out and I threw it away. Now I'm trying out the other two to see which one stays on the best. They are both good colors, so either one will be okay. 

I still had a large tube of mascara and it was still in great shape. I applied that and found out I still had eyelashes to apply it to. 

I had numerous eyeliner pencils in various shades and lengths and I got rid of the old and short ones and kept those that still looked like they were going to draw a good line in a nice color that I liked. I applied eyeliner to my eyes and looked a lot better quickly.

I also found the nail polish of which I only have one bottle. I decided to really take my time and apply two layers of polish to my nails patiently and let it dry properly between each layer. It took me an hour to do both hands because I waited a while after I did each hand. I smoked a cigarette while I waited for those nails to dry. The polish is on properly now and it hasn't chipped off yet or gotten damaged in any other way. 

Between the mascara and eyeliner and the nail polish and lipstick, I look like a proper woman and you could say that a metamorphosis has taken place. It does look good and I'm pleased enough. Luckily, my hair was in place so I didn't have to mess with it and I'm wearing nice enough clothes too. I'm as picture perfect as I can get. 

I have also decided to let my hair grow and will just keep getting the back cut even until the rest of my hair has caught up with it. I don't know how long this is going to take. My hair used to grow quickly, but I don't know how it is now. I always imagine that it does, but I don't actually go to the hairdresser as often as I thought I did. Between drinking as much milk as I do and taking the multi-vitamins, I'll have to assume I'm doing all I can to have healthy hair. 

So, suddenly I have the wish to be more feminine again. I want to wear make up and use beauty products and have longer hair. I want to celebrate my femaleness. I hope I stay in this state of mind for a long time because I find it very pleasant and an extra reflection of another side of me. That side had been a little neglected. It is now getting some attention and I can only welcome it. I'll treasure it all I can. 

Now I've got to take the dog out for a walk. It's that time of the evening again. 

Ciao,

Nora

Oh, what the heck...

I've got to remember not to get all serious while I sit here and write this. I've got to keep it as lighthearted as I can. It is, after all, Saturday and a day off and not the kind of day to be serious about anything at all. There's simply no need for it. 

Outside there's a cold wind blowing and it's making me have second thoughts about taking the dog out in a while. I don't remember there being mention of cold wind in the forecast. I wish they'd check these things with me beforehand. I do dislike unreliable weather forecasting.

I am enjoying the freshly made coffee very much and it's making my mind blossom. I'm working on my first cup, so there's room for improvement still. The second one should do wonders. That's before I've even had my medicines. Just imagine what's going to happen then. A whole metamorphosis will take place. 

I've taken a nap and woke up with the dog in my arms. He slobbered my face when I opened my eyes. That was his way of kindly greeting me. I do appreciate the gesture and slobber does dry up quickly if it's not too wet. You've got to look at everything from an optimistic point of view. That includes wet kisses from a dog. 

Mind you, I've never liked wet kisses from the human male sort of variety. Those were the kind that always turned me off immediately. No one who kissed like that ever got any further with me. I am very discriminate when it comes to kissing. I'd rather have the dog kiss me than getting slobbered on by just any old body. Or a young one, for that matter. 

I'm getting sidetracked. Said dog is now standing beside me with a very urgent look on his face. I think I've got to brave the cold wind and take him out. I will wear my warmest coat. It is the end of November, after all. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Feeling ever so much better...

I was feeling slightly discombobulated when I woke up from my nap this afternoon, but now that I've had my first cup of coffee, I'm doing much better. I almost forgot for it to start working and got worried for naught. I thought I was going to continue to feel off track, but as I drank the coffee, I became more cheerful and coherent. I should remember that it almost always is this way and that I don't function optimally when I first wake up. 

I'm vaguely aware of the fact that I should make coffee and that it's very important, but it's not a conscious decision that I make. I do it almost automatically and I very obediently pour a cup when the coffeemaker is done. I drink it without thinking about it and only gradually become aware of its positive effect on me. The second cup is much more deliberate. I do know what effect I'm after then. It's probably also unnecessary, but I have it anyway. It's better to be safe than sorry.

I watched a program this morning on Frans Hals, the 17th century painter. It showed the intricate and informal way he painted people of importance and how innovative that was in his time. He was quite a radical painter, although we would not think so now. The paintings that were shown and discussed were beautiful, although most of them were of very stately men and women. He very much personalized them and gave each one something completely unforgettable by way of an expression or a pose. 

I love these kinds of programs and appreciate it so much when they are on. It makes you look at art with whole new eyes. It makes me want to go to a good bookstore and buy every art book I can lay my hands on. Well, I do have my own and I can have a look at them again. There is enough art discussed in them and enough to look at to feast the eyes, but I would love to own books on all the famous artists. I very much enjoyed taking art history classes when I lived in California. Those were the good old days. 

I've got to fix myself some dinner because my stomach is empty. It is a feeling I enjoy, but I'm hungry now. I think I'll have some chicken soup. That's something the dog enjoys eating too. I can never finish all of it myself so I share it with him. 

Have a good evening all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Life does continue...

I was rudely interrupted in my sleep by the dog who had to go out back for a piddle. I suppose I can't really be upset about that because it is much better than him piddling inside by the back door. It does feel awful if you step in it the next day totally unawares. 

It was much less cold outside than it had been and I stood out on the patio in the night air enjoying it while the dog did his business. The air felt pleasant after having been so cold and I didn't mind being out there in just my pajamas. The sky was overcast and that's probably why it wasn't so cold. 

A pot of coffee was quickly made and I'm having my second cup. I've read other people's blogs and commented on them where I thought I had something to say. That's not always the case, of course. Sometimes I keep my thoughts to myself. I'm not always as outspoken as I appear to be. 

I actually had a scrambled egg to eat yesterday. I have not had eggs in a long time. I had the Exfactor buy me biological eggs, meaning they came from chickens that had been allowed to roam free outside and have been fed responsibly. 

I fixed it with real butter and it tasted delicious. One egg is all I can handle, but it's perfect for a meal. It agreed with my stomach well too and I didn't experience any problems such as loud noises and burps. That's a good sign and I will have another one today.

I think if you listen to your body well, it will tell you what foods agree with it. You can try them out in small amounts for a couple of times and see what happens. I don't deal well with wheat, especially whole wheat products. They give me gas and make me bloat something awful. So I avoid them. 

I haven't had any chocolate lately either. I don't eat Nutella any longer and I haven't gotten any candy bars from the tobacco shop. I think I've gotten over my craving for it. I may talk about it now and then, but that's really nothing serious. Mostly that's just an old habit. 

What I crave most are cold things such as ice cold milk or pudding or ice cream. Anything to take that dry feeling from my mouth. I think that's a side effect from the medicines. 

I haven't had any ice cream in a long time either. I know it's too dangerous and that I will eat the whole carton in one go. It goes down that easy. It does melt in your mouth, after all. 

Cravings are usually bad things and are best ignored, except low fat, ice cold milk. Or ice cold orange juice. That's a good one too and that's what I'm going to have next. 

I'm yawning. It's time to go back to bed. My duvet is turning out to be the most wonderful thing. I love the thickness of it, yet it's so featherlight. It's perfect to sleep under. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Before I go to bed again...

I've had one cup of coffee and that was enough. That's all the caffeine I needed to be wide awake. I'm fully functioning and more than alert enough. After that I was just plain thirsty and I'm now drinking cold milk which is settling in my stomach well. There are no loud protesting noises and no gurgling sounds and burps. It has been different in the recent past when I thought I could not drink milk any longer. 

I've slept a few hours and woke up on my own. I can't blame the dog this time for me being awake. He was sound asleep himself and needed a belly rub when I woke up. I suppose he needed a little bit of bonding. The cat was lying very cozily by my side and I had to move her gently out of the way. You could say that the animals are my first concern when I wake up.

Forget what I said about being alert. Since I started drinking the milk, I've been yawning my head off. I'm afraid I have to drink some more coffee. I'll never be able to finish this post if I don't no matter how thirsty for milk I am. I suppose I was momentarily misguided. I'll know how well the coffee works by how quickly I stop yawning. I just drank one cup of coffee and I'm about to start on my next one. 

I am taking my time writing this. I feel that I've got all the time in the world. It is a pleasure to sit here in the semi darkness. I feel in a good enough mood and I hope it lasts well into tomorrow. I have an appointment with my therapist in the morning and I am looking forward to that because I actually have something to discuss with her. It will give some substance to our conversation. 

I never mind Wednesdays for some reason. Wednesdays are always innocent days. It's also when there are the most interesting programs on TV, that may help a little bit. Wednesdays are the middle of the week days and I feel that the worst of it is over. That we are over the hump. Mondays and Tuesdays are always a little tougher to get through. But this is most likely all in my imagination and it probably really isn't as bad as all that. 

The coffee has stopped me from yawning so I have at least achieved that goal. The problem now is that I'm wide awake and I had not calculated that into the equation. I will be up for a while yet. I will have to find a way to keep myself amused. As a rule I don't have any problem doing that. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Hanging in there a while longer...

It's in the middle of the night and, although I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee, I have the feeling that I'm not really supposed to be up. As a rule, I enjoy being up at this hour and do my clearest thinking, but tonight must be the exception. I'm slightly muddled and will have to do my best to get through writing this post. 

Maybe as I write this, and have another cup of coffee, the cobwebs will clear from my mind. That has been known to happen. The mental exercise and the caffeine seem to do wonders for my thinking capacities and very often I become quite coherent. That is my preferable state of mind. It's nice to be drowsy and almost nod off, but it's ever so much better to be sharp witted and on your toes. 

Either way, I will fall asleep again when I go back to bed. Nothing will prevent that from happening. Especially now that I've got the new, comfortable duvet on the bed and the bedroom window open to let the cold night air in. As long as the dog is not shivering from the cold, I'll be able to do that.

Outside it's below freezing and there will be frost on everything in the morning. That has its own charms as long as I'm warmly dressed when I take the dog out. It does get warmer a bit during the day and it will be sunny, although the sunshine will not be very strong. It will not give you a tan, but at least it will be cheerful with a bright blue sky. Somebody in their heavens does smile kindly upon us still. 

My mood has improved a bit and I do not see the world as darkly shaded as I did yesterday. That may be because it's now the middle of the night and I'm usually in a better mood at this time. Things never seem as dire at this time because I'm safely wrapped in darkness and my warm and comfortable bathrobe. It's easy to feel safe under these circumstances and have a good attitude. It's when daylight comes that I have to be equally well tuned. 

That should be possible if I get enough sleep and am not awakened prematurely. It's a joy to wake up on my own when I'm good and ready to and take my time to come to my senses with a cup of coffee. That first hour of the day can be very nice when I sit in my armchair and get ready to start the day. The dog is patient and merely wants to sit on my lap. He's in no hurry yet to go out. He knows I need a little bit of time. 

I'm going to act like it's going to be a joy to wake up in the morning. As if I have a fantastic day ahead of me. And then I will make the best of it. I will act like I have enormous horizons and huge possibilities. Like I can make all my wishes come true. You never know how far fetched that is.

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting in the proper mood...

I took a tranquilizer a little while ago because I was in a not so good mood and I knew no other way to get over it. I'd already had two cups of coffee, but they didn't do the job and I didn't know what else would. Positive thinking didn't help. Besides, I've tried that for the past couple of days and it hasn't brought me much relief. No matter how I tried to change my attitude, it didn't get me very far. 

Taking a tranquilizer is against my own rules. I don't like to take them in the long run, but I do like the speedy relief they bring me. They give me quick relaxation when nothing else will. It's not the easy way out it seems because quite a struggle precedes it. I do try to do everything possible to get over my bad mood in an other way. Days of malcontent come first with much frustration. 

I think I need more happiness in my life, but I'm unable to obtain it myself right now. I don't have the wherewithal to go chase it. It's pretty illusive to me. I would like some brought to me from the outside just as a gift out of the blue, but I won't hold my breath waiting for it. I will have to gather up the energy and go look for it myself. That's what I need to work on. I think I'm slightly depressed. 

I'm drinking a tall glass of mild orange juice and I'm hoping that the sugar content will give me a natural high. I can never drink a beverage without hoping that it will have some sort of effect on me. That's the nature of the beast. The juice is made of mandarin oranges and it tastes very good. It's just the pick me up I needed.

This morning the new duvet I ordered was delivered. It is a hypoallergenic, four season one. That means they are two lightweight duvets snapped together. You can remove one in the summertime when it's hot.  Of course, I changed the bed and put it it on immediately. I even took a nap under it this afternoon. It was very comfortable and warm. My old duvet was getting a little worn because I've had it for a long time. I will wash it and save it as a spare. 

I watched cultural TV this morning, although I do have to say that I was not greatly inspired, but I can blame that on my mood. Probably the whole exercise was wasted on me. Art, music and literature were discussed and I did learn some new things, so I guess it wasn't a total flop.

The dog is waiting impatiently for me to take him out. He is very insistent that we go now. I suppose I'll have to obey him and get the show on the road. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Daisies and cravings...

All this talk about rain in the forecast turned out to be a lot of poppycock. I think it drizzled one night. Tonight is a perfectly clear night and today is going to be a bright, sunshiny day. Showers had been predicted and nothing came of them at all. I could easily have hung up the laundry to dry outside.

At least the temperatures are nice for the time of year and that is most pleasant. You could say that we're having an Indian summer in November, although it is not as hot as all that. But sitting sheltered in the sun it feels warm and there are still kids playing outside without their jackets on.

There are a lot of perky daisies blooming in the fields right now despite the fact that the grass has been cut not too long ago. I always thought that daisies were little flowers, but since I have my varifocals. I'm surprised at the true size of them. There are also some dandelions still and some of the rosebushes in the communal flowerbeds are still blooming. They are a creamy yellow color. 

If you have a good look around, there's still enough to see. It's remembering to look that's the hard part. I'm always so busy paying attention to the dog when we walk, that sometimes I don't pay attention to my surroundings. I forget to look in people's gardens, while that is where the most interesting things are happening. I must try to pay better attention to the gardens today. 

I'm having a terrible craving for vanilla ice cream, so I will have to drink a glass of ice cold milk. The creamy yellow color of the roses made me think of vanilla pudding in it's purest form and that led to ice cream because I'm craving something smooth and cold. The Exfactor offered to buy me some when he last did the groceries, but I turned the offer down. I was afraid that I was going to eat it all at once, but now I wish I had some. 

But it would make me gain a kilo, so it's a good thing that I don't have any at all. It's the best solution.

Besides, I can be talked out of any kind of food if I have a glass of ice cold milk. It usually takes care of whatever craving I have. The whole trick is not to have those kinds of foods in the house in the first place. Luckily, I normally only have cravings during the night and not when I make the shopping list.

It's time for me to go to bed. Hopefully, when I next wake up it will be morning. There will be cultural programs on TV and then lots of sports. Speed skating I hope, although a bit of football will be alright too.

Have a good night you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Making sense of nonsense...

Despite my initial misgivings about the day, it turned out fine and I'm not at all dissatisfied with it. I was in a good mood for most of it and enjoyed myself no matter what I was doing. Even when I did the rather large pile of dishes which I had let stack up over the past three days. It was large by my standards anyway. All the tall glasses were dirty and that doesn't happen very often. 

I also did a load of laundry, although the washing machine wasn't quite full. I didn't have enough things to wash and had to run it anyway. I had to get this load done before I change the sheets on my bed. Those will have to be washed next, but I won't be able to hang them outside to dry because it's going to be raining. The load on the clothes rack will have to dry first before I can hang up the sheets. 

I didn't take a nap this afternoon because I slept late this morning. I had a series of interesting dreams that I had to sit and think about when I woke up. They certainly were intriguing and I tried to make some sense of their symbolism because they were scattered with it. I think I understood most of them and will apply their wisdom to my life. They can be great insights into your own psyche. 

I did hit a slump at the end of the afternoon and had to make some coffee to get me over it. I would have liked to take a little nap, but I figured that it was too late in the day for that and to save my sleep for tonight. The caffeine perked me up and now I'm alright again. I'm just about as fit as a fiddle. I would like to be able to play the fiddle also, but maybe in my next life I'll be musically talented. I have great hopes for my next life. 

I thought we were going to have a sunshiny day, but it was overcast all day long and it continually looked like it was going to rain. At least it wasn't cold and I only had to wear my short leather jacket when I walked the dog. We're having very mild weather for the time of year. It's going to rain tonight. It will be cozy in bed if it does and I will open the bedroom window and listen to it. I never do tire of that sound. 

I've got to make something to eat before the eight o'clock news comes on. I think I will also put on my pajamas and bathrobe and get comfortable in the armchair. It will be an evening to veg out in front of the TV.

I hope you'll all have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

In which I turn into a pumpkin...

Here I am sitting in my bathrobe with my new glasses on, being able to see and read everything. Things are a revelation to me. I never knew what it was like to see so well up close and far away. 

That doesn't mean I'm not about to topple out of this chair from sleepiness, the coffee not withstanding. I'm forcing myself to be awake just so I get to wear my glasses and try them out. It's such a shame to put them away in their case for the night.

No doubt I will get used to this novelty and soon I will be going to sleep again like regular people. In the meantime, I'm punch drunk with sleep and feeling very mellow. I will probably fall asleep in this chair behind the computer. I've done it in the past and I can do it again. A little nap wouldn't hurt. 

The caffeine is resuscitating me a little bit and I'm not in as bad a shape as when I turned the computer on. I was near comatose then. I could hardly lift an arm. The coffee barely made it to my lips, but I'm working on my second cup now. I'm finding some strength in it. 

This is all due to the fact that I had a fairly busy day by my standards and that I hardly slept the night before it. Going downtown by myself to pick up my glasses was kind of a big deal, although I seemed to do it effortlessly. I did worry about it beforehand and no doubt that is why I slept so badly. 

Seemingly little things like that can still bother me a lot. But I'm brave in spite of myself when the stakes are high enough. 

I haven't turned into a pumpkin yet and I doubt very much that I'm going to now. The magic hour has passed without it happening. I'm still just an ordinary mortal with a sleep filled mind, but I think I will be up for a while yet. I'm not ready to go to bed. 

It seems like a very boring place to be right now. I must be getting my second wind. Doubtlessly, the coffee is beginning to do its work.

I must find some entertaining ways in which to amuse myself. I think there are some blogs that I have to comment on. I'm awake enough now to be able to do that. I do have the benefit that in the morning it will be Saturday and a day on which I can do what I choose to do. 

Ciao,

Nora

In the early morning...

After a not so terribly sleep filled night. I'm sitting here early in the morning with my second cup of coffee being wide awake again. Apparently, my need to sleep was not so great and what little I did get was enough. 

It wasn't the dog who woke me up. He was sound asleep on the bed beside me. So was the cat. I woke up all by myself in a sweat and had to get up to cool off. I sat here in my pajamas for a while until I had. I just now put on my bathrobe and the heater isn't even on. 

It was not such a cold night and it isn't very chilly in the apartment, even though the living room windows are open at the top to air out the place. I only have the heater on sometimes for short periods of time. Just enough so when it does get cold in here, I can heat the apartment up a little bit. I'm not going to make the energy company very happy. I won't be their favorite customer. 

Today is going to be a very uneventful day because I have no appointments and nobody coming over. That is, unless the optician calls me to tell me that my glasses are ready. Then I'll go downtown on my bike to pick them up. Yesterday it was two weeks since I ordered them and it's about time that they are ready. 

I think waiting two weeks for a pair of glasses is an awful long time. I wouldn't have gone to this particular optician if I had known this ahead of time. I could easily have gone to another one or even have gone back to Specsavers where I had gone originally. I'm sure I would have had them by now. 

At any rate, I'm going to have to fill the day in a useful and entertaining manner. I will have to think of things to do that will keep me occupied. I will pretend to be a good housewife and look for chores to do. And I will definitely be a good pet owner and take the dog for many long walks. The weather will be nice enough for it anyway. 

I'm thirsty and I would drink a glass of cold milk now, but milk hasn't been agreeing with my stomach. It's a darn shame because I like cold milk very much and, besides coffee, it's my favorite beverage. My stomach revolts against milk and absolutely rejects it and I think that's a clear sign that I should not drink it. 

I will again have to start drinking rooibos tea and green tea with lemon now that I'm over that stomach bug. Nothing was agreeing with me when I had that. Even a glass of water was painful to drink. That sure had me confused until I figured out that I must be sick. I thought I was having some sort of a problem because of my gastric band. 

I don't associate being sick with myself. I so rarely am, that I don't expect to be. I have an occasional chest cold that is a little bronchial, but it happens only once a year and I get over it in no time. I miss out, as a rule, on all the viruses and other things that go around every winter. Everybody around me gets sick and I hardly ever do. I also don't get a flu shot and now there's even doubt about the sense of it. 

I must knock on wood.

It's time to get the day started. I must find some interesting and warm clothes to wear. I'm sure that will be no problem, organized as I am. As soon as it gets light enough, I will take the dog for a walk. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Friday evening...

The weekend has properly started and by all rights I should put on my party clothes now and go out to a pub or a disco. No, I should go out for dinner first and then go out for drinks and a dance. 

In my younger years I would have done so, but I'm afraid that I no longer have it in me. I wouldn't know how to party if I stumbled into one. I've forgotten completely how to do it. The noise of it would drive me mad. I'm a middle aged woman on the wrong side of the middle after all. 

I'd rather have an intimate get together over white wine and candlelight in a cozy pub by a fireplace in a small inn somewhere. That's about my speed. Somewhere in the countryside where I can look at the starry sky later in the evening. A little tipsy maybe, but feeling no pain. 

A woman can fantasize, can't she? I'll fantasize a tall, dark, handsome stranger to go with it. Someone who dissolves in the morning before breakfast so as not to spoil the illusion. I don't want him to see the saggy bits by daylight. The harsh truth, as it is so unkindly called. The one you have to face up to during the day when you're sober and sensible. 

I am, in the first place, a sensible woman. Make no mistake about it. In the end I always do the right thing and I don't let my imagination get out of hand. This leads me to live a very sedate life without any sort of wild abandon in it. I no longer live my life like it's a dramatic novel or a larger than life film. Something by Ingmar Bergman with a lot of pain in it. 

I suppose that if you get burned bad enough, you learn to live your life without any shenanigans in it. You avoid drama. You steer clear of anything that could be highly emotional and volatile. You learn to appreciate peacefulness and predictability.

Well, look at me, preaching to the probably already converted. I'm sure I don't have to tell any of you anything new. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Own up to nothing...

I just walked the dog in the late afternoon autumn sun. It was pleasant to be out there because it wasn't too cold and there was no wind to speak of. I had to enjoy it extra much because tomorrow it's going to start raining and it will be done with the fun. I wanted to tell the dog to enjoy the weather, but I don't think he would have cared one way or the other. It's all the same to him. 

I'm having a much needed cup of coffee and it is agreeing with me better than the glass of milk I tried earlier. The milk upset my stomach and caused me to have much discomfort. I'm not back to normal yet. I think now that I must have some bacterial or viral infection because I really felt ill too while I was having these stomach problems. While I am having them still. 

Tonight I'm going to make a very light chicken soup and hope for the best. I'm not going to put any vermicelli in it and basically keep it as simple as possible. It will be mostly bouillon. My personal helper said that I should keep my electrolytes in balance and to do that with something salty. So soup it is.

There, I've already told you more than I was planning to. I was going to keep it light and simple, just like my soup. I wasn't planning on going into a lengthy discourse on my stomach. 

I'm so ready for my glasses to be ready. I'm anticipating a phone call every day, but it may take another week. I've gone so long without glasses, I should be able to wait that much longer. I'm just very impatient to have them. Every day I'm second guessing if I picked the right pair, but I won't know for sure until I've got them on. And then it will be too late to change my mind. 

I've forgotten to watch the news. Now I'm ignorant until later this evening. Luckily, I get a second opportunity. There are political shenanigans going on again. Aren't there always? 

I must make soup to strengthen me. I can't face it on an empty stomach. 

I hope you'll all have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Waiting for the dawn...

I went on the bathroom scale just now and much to my surprise, I had lost two kilos. I was not expecting that and almost made a little jump of happiness. I was standing on the scale at the time, so it's a good thing that I didn't because surely I would have broken it. 

I now have to lose 900 grams to reach my goal, but if I want to reach the weight of my skinny days, I have to lose five more kilos. Then I will be at the weight that I was when I was twenty years old. I get the distinct feeling that it can be done. 

I was also that weight before I got big from the medication. Before I started craving all those carbohydrates and all the fat started sticking to my bones. Before those nightmarish days in which I lost track of myself. 

Thank goodness those days are behind me. I'm no longer groping in the dark and not aware of myself and what is happening to me. It all truly was a bad dream. One which I never wish to be lost in again. God forbid that I should ever go through anything like that again. 

I don't expect to go through anything like it again. My head is in a much better space and I'm no longer in a unhealthy relationship. My eating is under control  and I'm not obsessed with unhealthy foods. I live a fairly normal life. As far as 'normal' is definable.

The depressions are the worst things that happen to me. I don't have control over them, but even they don't cause me to eat more. They do make me crave certain foods, but I don't have to give in to that. 

I very much feel like eating chocolate when I get down in the dumps, but that would be the worst thing I could do. It would only create a more morose mood. 

My skinny clothes are getting a little big on me, although not all of them. Some of them are very stretchy and will fit me for a long time. The jeans I have to hitch up with a belt. There's no other way about it. It's all for a good reason, n'est ce pas? 

And here it is early in the morning and I'm already awake. I don't know why I am already. Even the dog and the cat are still sound asleep. I have no good reason to be up. There's enough time in the day to do the things that I have to do.

I could possibly talk myself into going back to bed for a while, but I'm really not sleepy anymore. I don't think there's anything on TV this early in the morning. And I'm severely limited in how much coffee I can drink. I don't want to upset my stomach.

I may possibly have to take up a hobby. I had thought about taking up knitting, but now I'll seriously have to consider it. There are worse things I could do.

Have a nice day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Neutrality...

All moments should be as simple as this one. Every minute should be as uncomplicated as this one is. Unfortunately, today they aren't and I find myself at times filled with anxiety. 

I know why that is. It's because I wasn't able to stick to the diet because of unforeseen circumstances. It wasn't really because of a fault of my own, but still it makes me feel highly uncomfortable. Going on the diet was a big deal, going off it is an even bigger deal. 

I don't generally do well with changes in my life and this is a double whammy. On top of that I had the discomfort of the stomach problems. It's all been too upsetting for me and I wonder how I would deal with a real crisis. 

Well, it's the seemingly small problems in life that are always the hardest to tackle. Those are the ones that sneak up on you. It's the bigger things we are better prepared for and get the most support in. 

I must say that I consider myself fortunate that I don't have to deal with any big problems and that this is a relative small one that I have to tackle. I do have to count my blessings, after all. I must never forget to do that. God forbid that I should start thinking that my life is overly complicated. 

See how everything is relative? I started off worrying and before you know it, I've talked myself right out of it. I must just accept that I can't follow that silly diet and that I have a sensitive stomach. A stomach with an instruction booklet. That's all, no more, no less. 

At least I'm able to drink a cup of coffee with milk in it, that's truly a blessing. You know how much I want my cup of coffee. How much I need it. I'm not the same woman if I haven't had it. It perks me up tremendously if I'm in need of it. I won't be drinking tea any time soon. I had not such a good experience with it. 

The sun has been shining all day and the dog and the cat have been sitting in front of the window watching the world come by. It has been very entertaining to them because it has been very busy and lots of people have walked through the street. It's been like watching TV for them. 

I've got to see if I can catch the latest news and find out about the state of the country. I hope it's not going to hell in a hand basket yet. According to our able politicians, it isn't.

Ciao,

Nora

And now for something really different...

It's early in the morning before dawn, but I find myself awake already. I'm more than ready for the day to start and I don't know why that is either. It's not as if I have a heck of a lot of interesting things to do today. I'll have to find ways in which to amuse myself so I won't get bored.

Of course, I'm still yawning, so I'm not as awake as I claim to be. That may be just a sign of the remnants of my sleep though. I'm having a cup of coffee and it may take care of that soon. If I do fail to wake up properly after all, I will go back to bed, but I'm not counting on it. 

I have taken my medicines and my vitamins and those are such big pills that I'll have to wait before I can eat breakfast. They will have to pass my gastric band first. I will have to wait for about an hour.  Then I have to decide which of the foods that I have available to me I'm going to eat for breakfast. 

It can be anything, as long as I feel like eating it. It's just a matter of getting my nutrients in for today and in what order I want to do that. I will have to wait until an hour from now and see what I feel like eating then. Maybe I will just have a plum. I hope they are a little more ripe than they were yesterday. 

I'm finishing up the last of the milk in my coffee. After that there will be no more milk and I'll have to drink my coffee black or with powdered creamer. I'm undecided which I will do. I think they are both bad choices that I'll have to get used to. 

I'm thinking of going with the black coffee because I used to drink my coffee black. I think in the end it will be the simplest choice and I'm not all that fond of powdered creamer. It does have an artificial taste. It will be easier to just pour a cup of black coffee. 

Right, I'll go see what other kind of trouble I can get into. I hope you'll all have a great day. And nice weather, of course. 

Ciao,

Nora

Full steam ahead...

It's a very blustery day today. There's a stiff breeze blowing and if it weren't for the hairspray, I would have no hairdo left to speak of. Of course, it's a short haircut, so it stays in place better, but it would have been blown to pieces if I had left it to the whims of the wind. As it is, I still look very decent after having walked the dog and I hardly have to put a hair back in place. 

I've got all the windows open at the top and there's a strong draft blowing through the apartment. It's not cold in here, that's a blessing. I don't have to worry about the temperature yet. The weatherman refused to say if it was going to be a very cold winter this coming season. I think he didn't want to prematurely worry us and spoil our fun. We all think that cold winter is coming anyway.

I've been wearing my winter coat and enjoying it a lot. It's warm and comfortable and the big pockets are very handy. It's just about the best coat I've had in a long time. I just hope it's warm enough for whatever big freeze we're in for. I will have to get ready to wear layers. I'm mentally preparing myself for anything at all. 

I've also been wearing my skinny jeans a lot. It turns out that they are the most comfortable pieces of clothing that I have. I never thought I would find so. I was very hooked on wearing skirts and dresses and wore those a lot. Skinny jeans do indeed make you feel skinny. They make you feel like you have long legs that go all the way up to your shoulders. It's nice to live under that illusion. 

After having been feisty for about a week, the dog has settled down again and is quite a bit more mellow. At least he's leaving the cat in peace and isn't bothering her anymore. He really was bossing her around. The cat is really relaxed about it and acts like she doesn't care. She finds a safe haven on my lap if the dog gets out of hand too much. She doesn't flee the apartment like you'd think she would. She has lots of patience.

To supplement my diet, I've started taking vitamin B-complex, Calcium with Magnesium and Kelp tablets. It's easy to remember to take them because I take them at the same time I do my medicines. They all go down the hatch easily. This is all in effort to be a healthier person and I think I will notice somewhere down the line if it works. I have to be faithful to the regiment and to the diet I'm going to be following which will include lots of fruits and vegetables. 

Speaking of diet, I've got to eat now. My stomach is growling. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

Battling rain...

Just as I was taking the dog out for a walk, it started to rain, so I made a beeline back home after the dog had done his business. Luckily, it didn't take him too long to do this. He is a very accommodating dog when it comes to things like that. In other ways he can be very stubborn. 

I'd like to think that maybe he realized that it was raining and that we were getting wet, but I don't know if he's as bright as all that. He doesn't care much if he gets wet. He's got thick fur, so it doesn't bother him. To tell you the truth, it didn't bother me all that much either. I was wearing my winter coat and it has a hood that I had pulled up over my head. Neither one of us got much worse for the wear. 

So you see, it was actually a non-adventure and absolutely not worth mentioning, but it did fill up some empty space on the page and now you know about the weather conditions. 

I heard from someone that next month it's going to be very cold. I don't know where this person got the wisdom to know this, but I hope she's wrong.  When someone says it's going to be very cold, all I can think of is snow and ice because surely that will come with it. I don't mind the snow, but I'm ever so wary of the ice that forms in a thick layer underneath it. Luckily, I do have the right boots now, so I should be safe when it comes to walking around on it, but it will not be with joy. 

My attention has been called to the book 'The Help' by Kathryn Stockett and I think I will see if I can get it in the paperback edition because it will fit through my mail slot better than the hardbound. Of course, the subject matter is far removed from my bed because, after all, what in my life has to do with black household help in the 60's in the USA and little white children of privileged families? It will be educational if it is factually written and not emblazoned with false sentimentality. I will read it critically and keep in mind that it's written by one of these grown up children.

It's time for me to eat dinner. My stomach is growling and it should be because it's been some time since I've eaten. I'm more than ready for a meal. First I'll have a tall glass of milk to quench my thirst. My everlasting thirst. 

Have a good evening you all. 

Ciao,

Nora